Many parents contact me with concern because their child seems to shut down when the subject of school comes up. It saddens me when I see negative school experiences ruining a child’s relationship with education. Grades are lost and homework can become a conflict. Teachers who are trying to handle many other classroom responsibilities say that the child is distracted, unmotivated or overwhelmed.
At home, parents hear things like: “I don’t care”, “This is stupid”, “I forgot” or “I don’t want to do this”. Of course, on the surface, it can look like laziness or stubbornness. But, often, it’s actually what makes the child feel stuck, stressed, or flooded inside. anxiety.
In these moments, the wrong words can silence children even more. But more helpful words can help them reopen and re-engage.
Let’s slow it down and figure it out
Many kids who struggle in school aren’t lazy or don’t really want to be – they’re just too tired. These seven words—”Let’s slow it down and figure it out”—may sound simple. But they do a very powerful job. They reduce stress, reduce defensiveness, and help children see that problems can be solved rather than feeling tortured.
When shutting down is really overthinking
When children feel safe and able to talk about how they feel under school closures, thoughts often include:
“What if I fail?”
– What if the teacher really doesn’t like me?
– What if I can’t make it?
– No one else understands the work except me.
When these thoughts rise, children rise to delayAvoid, argue, or give up altogether.
This pattern is one of the reasons I write Free your child from overthinking which shows parents how to silence noise that interferes with learning, confidenceand motivation. My point is that shutting down school work discussions is often not about ability. They are about removing pressure and fear of failure.
3 Examples where 7 words work differently
When you say, “Let’s slow down and figure it out,” you’re sending three valuable messages:
- You are not in trouble.
- We can solve this step by step.
- I am on your side.
These three interactions help children understand. And what I can’t stress enough is that kids who find themselves are more likely to try again and maybe even try harder.
Let me show you some brief examples.
Example 1: Primary school
The little boy’s mother was frustrated because when she told her son, “you didn’t do your homework,” it would cause him to cry and get angry. Once he learned to say, “Let’s slow down and figure this out. What’s the biggest problem with this?” work has improved. Not perfect, but there was more cooperation and much less drama.
Example 2: High school
The father of a high school student couldn’t contain himself and said, “You need to take school seriously.” As you can probably imagine, it went over like a lead balloon. So this dad changed his tone to saying more collaborative statements like, “Let’s slow it down and figure it out. Are you feeling confused, anxious, or depressed?”
Example 3: High school
In high school, one clearly frustrated mother made a habit of telling her sophomore son, “If you keep doing this, you’re ruining your future.” After the son made a hole in the wall and forced her to pay for the repair, the mother asked me to take a less inflammatory approach. So she said, “Let’s slow it down and figure it out. Something’s getting in the way. I’m here to listen to you without lecturing.”
Admittedly, it didn’t work for mom on the first two attempts. But the third was a charmer. Her son broke down in tears and shared that some of his peers teased him in hurtful ways that he would never have understood if he had been married with negative predictions about his failure in the world.
The Takeaway
When school becomes “non-negotiable” with your child, it’s best to start with how you start talking about it. Let’s slow down and find out These aren’t just words for your child to hear—you’ll likely benefit from repeating them to yourself, too.
