Twins People of all ages, from infants and children to adults, experience the loss of their twin in different ways. But always, regardless, this destructive, very sensitive and vulnerable event for the twin who survives. It’s sad and scary, even for the surviving twin’s family and close friends, and it takes a long time to process.
Perhaps young twins suffer more and in a different way and for a long time, because of the feeling of emptiness and solitude it is very difficult. In some cases, illegitimate children will have behavioral problems that point to the terrible pain of losing their co-twin. For example, when twins realize that their co-twins are not with them and are nowhere to be found, fighting with their parents (the bearers of bad news), crying and general unhappiness is observed.
There are many ways to help grieving twins. Often, in the future, the lost twin’s memories are recovered in bits and pieces. Many twins try to process their thoughts, feelings, and reactions with the help of a professional or by writing a journal or book or creating a piece of art. Hopefully, it’s a lot less painful when the lost twin is talked about and realized in perspective. I urge you not to repeat the experience of losing your twin.
A painful struggle
Twins coping with twin loss ask themselves and reach out to others: Am I healing from the constant absence of my twin sister or brother? Many twins expect to have trouble moving on with their lives when they lose their co-twin. It is clear that the anticipation of loss, and the actual loss itself, is terrifying and overwhelming for most of the twins I have met in my research, teaching, and counseling.
Understanding the depth of twin loss
The reason twin loss is the hardest loss to bear is the deep and deeply intertwined intimacy that many twins share. Naturally, a dual bond can become interdependent when established decision making and partnerships. Gradually, individual decisions become less important when decision making is done collectively.
Unfortunately, when parents do not pay attention to each individual child, the twin relationship gradually becomes overdetermined and it becomes more difficult for the twins to get through everyday life. For example, what should we eat for lunch? What should we wear to school? Who should we gather with on the Sabbath? When the twin is not available to answer questions, it creates anxiety for the other twins.
The closeness of the twins is understandable, predictable, and normal, given the close physical and emotional bonds they easily share on a daily basis. Unfortunately, relying on each other can be a liability and even dangerous in situations where the twins cannot and should not participate. A more common attraction is that a new friend (John) approaches a twin (any of them) and tries to change the original way these twins relate to each other. I heard a story where John then insists that twin Laura is very close to her twin sister Maura. And in fact, the twins are very close. But they should develop their independence independently. A stranger’s opinion is just his opinion, not a requirement to follow. I was hurt and shocked by the intrusive opinions of strangers, and they must be unhelpful to the twins and their caregivers.
For clarity, I should add that twins are two separate individuals and should be treated as two individuals, not one. I remember a funny story about strangers who were very unfamiliar with identical twins. When my sister and I went to kindergarten, a classmate, Reggie, told her mother that there was a girl with two heads in her class. Reggie’s mother called our mother, who was known as the mother of twins, to inform her of this talk about her daughter or daughters. Our mother was happy with our new label as “Two-Headed Girl” because it made her feel special. Mother should have taken care of our identity. Fortunately, my sister and I were too young to understand the consequences of our mother not seeing us as individuals. As you must know, I have had a lifelong interest in debunking the myth that twins are identical.
The importance of individuality in dual relationships
Unique development personality in every child for healthy and stable personality along with twin relationships. Predictably, the audience looks at the twins (which includes me, especially the younger twins). Continuous output attention the similarities and differences of twins can be psychologically damaging. Competition based on the comparison of twins and others is possible when the real differences between the twins are not carefully and thoroughly identified and investigated.
Understanding Gemini is essential reading
Interpreting twins to young twins is possible, but has limitations that are important for individual development. Some parents want their twin children to be able to cope with the constant comparison of each other, which is an impossible request. Misguided comparisons are so harmful that caregivers must protect their twins from this emotional abuse (“Which one are you?”). While changes in life circumstances, such as a serious illness or death of a family member, may change personality develops, the main person still exists and survives as his original person. Being forced to answer silly “which twin are you” questions is harmful.
Conclusions
How twins cope with the loss of a sibling varies and depends parents and support from infancy to the time of their loss and beyond. Twins who are not the focus of parental attention and neglect tend to care too much about their co-twins and fail to be a proper parent to their sibling. When twins “parent” each other, identity confusion is unfortunate, but very likely. Neglectful parenting limits individual growth for survivors when their co-twin dies. Of course there are other factors, e.g emotional stability in the surviving twin and how much hands-on support is available from family and friends. Having a support group for survivors of twin loss is also important if possible.
When twins do not separate from each other in a regular and predictable manner, too much closeness and togetherness can cause serious problems. Who is in charge of making decisions can be confusing for twins and others involved in their life struggles. For example, I once counseled a mother of twins who allowed her daughters to work together all the time. This mother did not know that one daughter was in charge of reading and the other daughter was in charge of mathematics. He thought they were just working quietly. But when the reading twin got sick, the math twin was completely lost and the teachers assumed she couldn’t read. Well, she didn’t have to “learn” to read because it wasn’t her responsibility. The essence of the problem was not academic, but very much dual.
Twins can suffer from excessive intimacy and a need to be together, which promotes attachment and overidentification. The most important issue in raising twins is separation, which allows the twins to learn how to make their own decisions.
I would love to talk to more twin loss survivors, maybe in a group.
