Soft base parents is great Respecting and understanding the child while calmly providing empathy is the general essence. However, this approach can backfire and cause serious problems if parents mix empathy with empathy.
A consistently empathetic parent is more likely to raise a child who is irresponsible, manipulative, and gives up on their absence when the going gets tough. stability.
What does empathy look like mixed with empathy?
When parents mix sympathy with empathy, they tend to lower their expectations, bend the rules for their child, enable and treat their child as a “victim” in all situations.
You can tell that this happens when parents make excuses for their children and rarely hold them accountable. For example, after their child drops a giant piece of gear or breaks something or throws a tantrum, a parent says something sympathetic: “He didn’t eat breakfast. Poor kid. He’s hungover…” or “He’s mad because his friend said something hurtful. His friend is toxic.” Excusing destructive behavior because the child was dealing with difficult emotions is rarely the right answer.
However, calmly honoring the feelings but firmly correcting the behavior, in a direct and concise manner, may be the right choice. For example, say, “You’re crazy. I get it, but you can’t throw anything away. Go pick up your water bottle and put it down.” This parent acknowledges the child’s emotional state, but holds them accountable for their behavior and immediately instructs them to correct it. Parents sympathize with their child feelings but corrects their bad behavior.
When a parent feels sorry for a child who is acting out, they tend to view them as the “victim” in the situation, instead of who they really are…the abuser. This forces them to let their child off the hook because it’s easy. They avoid the hardest part of parenting, which is keeping calm. sympathyand follow. When they repeatedly apologize and allow, they placate the child instead of treating the negative behavior. Because the baby’s rashes are worse, they become worse and more frequent. So instead of a maturity and increase emotional regulationthe child is constantly angry, angry, openly defiant, destructive and manipulative.
The feeling of pity for the child also prompts the parents to constantly engage in “saving the day”. They want to protect the child from feeling disappointment, so they control the system, intimidate teachers, and make the coach give the child what they want, instead of letting the child experience the disappointment and learn how to deal with it. It is also a very selfish act of parents because they get satisfaction from the child’s “hero”. Unfortunately, this is harmful for the child self-efficacy and resilience because they now believe they cannot solve their problems. They demand to be saved and saved by these parents when they don’t get what they want.
Conversely, empathizing with a child who is disappointed or going through something difficult is selfless because parents need to remember what disappointment feels like. It’s uncomfortable, but they go there emotionally to really understand the child and convey that understanding to them, so the child isn’t alone in it. In this case, the child feels safe and continues to talk to the parents about how they feel when they are struggling. This allows the parents to be close to the child.
An example of compassion in action
Mother hears quiet crying in the corridor. He walked past his daughter’s bathroom and looked into it. Her 10-year-old daughter was crushed to death on the tile floor; his face is wet with tears.
The mother quickly joins him and asks, “Ajal, what’s going on?”
Her daughter, who has to get ready to go to a friend’s pool, looks up and says, “I hate the way I look in a bathing suit.” Between her quiet cries, her daughter says: “None of my friends have a big belly like me, I’m the only one.”
Mother rubs her shoulder and thinks about what to say. He remembers that compassion is usually the right choice. So she remembers what it feels like to be ashamed of her body. Mom says softly, “It hurts that you don’t like the way you look. I understand, it stings. It really does.”
The girl gets closer to her mother. After a few moments he asks, “But you’re skinny, how do you know?”
Mom smiles and says, “Oh dear, you know how I feel about my organs.”
Her daughter looks up and says, “Oh my God, you hate your limbs. You know.”
The mother continues to hug her daughter. After a few minutes he asks what will help. Her daughter gets up, sniffles, and says she feels better and wants to go to the party. He politely tells his mother to “hurry up”. His mother laughs and agrees.
Essential reading for parents
In this scenario, the mother sympathizes. He is not shame her daughter to express her feelings with statements like “Don’t say things like that! You’re beautiful! Look in the mirror and tell me!” These responses only make the child feel alone. The mother also does not see her daughter as a victim and tries to blame someone else. For example, “Did Taylor make fun of you for your weight? I know she has before! That’s it. I’m calling her mom! That’s unacceptable!”
The effect of using empathy
A sympathetic attitude immediately helps the child. A child knows that what they are feeling is normal because their parent voices and understands. This is both healing and empowering because the child can trust what they are feeling, their ability to say it, and their ability to control it. Alternatively, empathy tempts parents to frame their child as a victim, enabling and seeing, which instills a victim mentality in the child and undermines their ability to persevere.
If this topic remains confusing, you can find many examples of compassionate parenting in my book, How to Raise a Safe Child, Parenting with Compassion.
