Vulnerability and idealism are diametrically opposed. And this is it personalists preferably If you think to disguise as it pertains autism and recognize that perfectionism appears in the population of people on the autism spectrum (Greenway et al. 2010), then we can, arguably, think about perfectionism as a form of masking, social protection. Deep down, most perfectionists want to do more than just make a mask; they try to become completely different people.
One of the more difficult aspects of it therapy Self-disclosure and acceptance is probably even more difficult than change. Perfectionists enter therapy to better align with their ideal self. Many of them are chronically tired of endless disguises and want to become the person they pretend to be, something that the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates also recommended.
Although this may seem like a reasonable wish, their needs are buried but never forgotten. Perfectionists are usually portrayed as independent, self-confident, and self-motivated. They despise everything weak, needy, and most importantly, human. Then therapy becomes another aid to self-deception (even if it is expressed goals conflict with this reality), the reflection of the image of the perfectionist returns to them and at the same time improves it.
Thus, it becomes a complex and strange dance. How can I maintain my image as a perfectionist while exposing my weaknesses to truly become who I am in that image? If it sounds silly, that’s because it is. This is why the treatment of idealism is often terrifying.
When in dire need of therapy, perfectionists struggle to ask for help. They blame burnexternal conditions and even their partners – everything takes precedence over the discovery of needs.
So if there is one feelings spreading its tentacles to almost every aspect of perfection, it anger. An idealist’s existence is dominated by anger. Perfectionists often resent their work and demanding workloads. They hate their parents for meeting their needs. And they often blame their partners for neglect.
On the surface, all of this is usually true. Their leaders can and should consider whether they are taking advantage of their passion people – please. Their parents, probably the personalists themselves, are too busy with their own affairs self-righteousness to help them. And what their partners are likely to expect to do is to use the excuse of perfect silence to curb their curiosity.
While all of this is true, the perfectionist’s main anger is directed at himself, revealed by an equally basic question: Why should I even ask? It’s one thing to have your needs permanently discounted, quite another to have the idea of announcing them.
Perfectionists refuse to be vulnerable. They suddenly want to have no needs (beyond basic needs like food and shelter) while others wait for them. They want to take care of their image and perhaps more importantly, self image of hyper-independence.
They prefer not to think too much about their place in the world and take their specialness for granted. They want to see and judge the weakness of others while blinding themselves to their hypocrisy. Again, they want to become their mask, while vaguely knowing that such an image can only be supported if others quietly do their work and place the idealist at the center of their lives.
Admitting that you are angry at yourself for being needy, for needing help, or even for being independent is the first step in fixing your relationship and direction at work. Next, you are asked to recognize how choosing that particular partner and that particular job helped your sense of self and why each may be unstable for you in their current forms. Somewhere in all this, you will be asked to examine the validity of your understanding of weakness and need, and whether the two are inextricably linked.
Essential Readings for Perfection
What if your partner wants to help you? What if your need is not a burden? What if others don’t judge you because they support you? What if you don’t make sense in any way, don’t compete with anyone but yourself? Finally, what if you had to accept that a part of you resembles a parent you thought didn’t deserve respect? Because parents are often mirrors of the worst parts of us, we sometimes project our anger towards ourselves on them and justify it by their failures.
The question could be: Can I be loved if I am like them, or am I damned forever? Because of black and white thinking, we often exaggerate our parents’ shortcomings and delude ourselves that we are superior.
“No one wants to be weak” is a perfectionist cliché, but their understanding of weakness is so flawed – every need is taken as a symbol of immense weakness. Every flaw will disappear. And every imperfection is denied. Whatever weakness or vulnerability it means, for perfection, should not be taken too seriously. This is likely psychologist Don Carvet meant it when he wrote, “The point of analysis is to get out of yourself.”
The next time you feel angry at someone or even yourself, you can ask: Am I really mad at myself for being imperfect?
