To parents: Your personal history as brother will shape your response to anything you read here about your children’s relationships. You can learn from both.
Sam was beside himself. Her younger sister had just taken the sacred object of her transition, the Puppy, into her bath and turned it into a mess instead of her favorite soft spot. She screamed at her dear sister, “You’ve ruined Puppy! I don’t love you, always!”
Sibling rivalry and an inevitable corollary to that conflict are common in families with more than one child. Sibships are usually relationships that have longevity. It’s great when they work. Parents and siblings appreciate the moments of shared love, mutual support and protection that are unique to each child. personality.
But in moments of conflict, both physical and emotional, intensity feelings can feel big. In particular, when accompanied by threatening, aggressive language or actions, it can make the parent concerned wisdom which continued reproduction.
Managing sibling relationships is a skill that is difficult at any stage of development, including adulthood. No two brothers are ever at the same stages, even twinstaking into account individual differences in language, moral reasoning and the ability to appreciate all points of view. If you’re an older child, you probably remember being resentful and at some point expecting, “because you’re older, you know better.” Yes, but I’m tired of working! It’s so unfair!
Let’s talk about it faira word in every sibling relationship. Absolute justice—or its counterpart, equality—is never fully achieved by any of us, even though our children beg us to use it as the gold standard for judging a cage of siblings. We can all do the best we can to strike a chord with our children. What is our best?
Management should and shouldn’t
- Do not investigate. You never look for a trigger without making it worse. There are no neutral parties. Instead, focus on the immediate issue: “Of course you’re upset, Sam, and now your sister is too.”
- Do not allow physical or emotional abuse aggression. Break it up immediately without a long lecture or shut it down, which you can say after the high emotions have subsided for everyone – kids and parents.
- Do not model the behavior of one child for another; that is the salt in two wounds that pours into the grudge. If you want to comment on some behavior, focus on the good things when you see it.
- Prioritize problem solving over revenge. “Sam, let’s see how we can handle this.” If his sister was older, his mother might ask him to participate by suggesting solutions or encourage him to think about how Sam felt about his puppy without asking.
About prevention: The best defense against toxic sibling rivalry is the security your children feel in your love for them. Keep it real with short but regular one-on-one engagement. Intent is greater than quantity. Put away your phone and listen with eye contact, go for a walk outside, read a book together (take turns) or let them help with things that are important to you. It’s money in the bank while they consider whether or not you’ll pay more attention than their brother.
Sam and his sister watched as their mother placed the puppy in the dryer with soft towels. He stopped the cycle several times to check “how Pipi was doing and making all these cycles”. Sam wondered if the puppy was spinning and his sister laughed.
