How many times have you avoided a topic that made you feel uncomfortable, pushed to the point of tension, and steered the conversation safely away from the conflict? While these techniques can be useful for maintaining relationships with casual acquaintances, when we use them with those we are close to, they instead create and perpetuate distance. The question arises: how do I approach an uncomfortable topic with my partner, child or close friend? How can I start a serious conversation with someone I love?
Often thinking about a difficult topic with someone we care about makes us anxious. We worry that we will cause further tension – either by causing unnecessary emotions in the person we love, or by hurting ourselves and shutting ourselves down even more. We may worry that we are doing more harm than good—either by making our loved one angry with us or by making ourselves angry too much. Every troubling scenario we imagine, it often seems safer to “stay alone,” “not to rock the boat,” and, in other words, settle for a relationship that is necessarily less trustworthy and sincere. This solution is not completely secure. Refraining from communicating about issues that are important to you not only takes a lot of energy, but ultimately reduces a once-intimate relationship to one where you have to be careful and open or honest.
Here are 3 practical ways to approach a powerful topic that can drain both you and your lover and make you vulnerable to each other, resulting in a closer exchange.
- Here’s how I feel about you and why cleaning the air is important to me.
First, a safe space must be created where both people can talk freely about themselves and their feelings. This requires getting in touch with your feelings of caring and love for the other person; it does not work if you are heated or judgmental. Anger breeds anger.
To that end, it’s important to express your genuine love for the other person and thus reassure them that you care about them, even though you may not like what they do or how they behave. You can start with something like, “I love and care about you, and that’s not going to change. You’re important to me, so I need to tell you what’s bothering me so we can stay close.” Confessing yourself not only reassures your partner, but also connects you with your feelings of love. Keeping this balanced view of your relationship will allow you to avoid getting lost in angry emotions, which will then help create an open, rather than defensive, atmosphere.
- Here’s what I know about what worries me and what I think about myself.
Take time to focus on yourself. What is your goal in the conversation? Do you want to prove yourself right or get an apology? If so, the conversation is bound to leave you feeling as emotionally alienated as ever. If your goal is to get closer, to overcome this barrier between you, the conversation can become a joint effort where you both work together to achieve that goal.
It’s helpful to know the parts of you that may be oversensitive and overreactive. You can take inventory and be honest with yourself about your sensitivities and emotional triggers. For example, if you ask your partner about dividing the housework equally, but you tend to be too stubborn about how to do them, keep this in mind. If you talk to your teen about their “irresponsible” friends, but realize that much of your anxiety comes from your own teenage years, that’s a good thing to note. If you are confronted by a close friend about a tone that you thought was annoying, but you know you are particularly reactive to tones, this is good information to consider.
In Stay safe: keep yourself safe in an unsafe worldPartners and co-authors Sue Marriott and Anne Kelly provide science-based and practical information on how to restore our capacity for genuine engagement and joy in our personal relationships and in the wider world. Here is an excerpt from them article“Advice of married psychologists on overcoming insecurity” in the magazine Next Big Idea Club:
“…However, we cannot be optimistic and care when we want. We must learn how to create it in ourselves and others. It is difficult because you cannot change what you do not see. It is not easy to discover how to understand that you are operating from this reactive, defensive or safer state.
Imagine yourself arguing with your partner or your teenager and suddenly they catch themselves and say: Oh, I hear how I’m coming. I must be more upset than I think. Such a moment of self-discovery would be heaven. It also works because it takes the wind out of the tension sails. All it takes is a step towards a secure relationship to calm things down.”
The more you reveal about yourself, the more the other person will trust you and relax. They can feel for you and in return will be more open about themselves.
- What do you think about this?
And finally, it’s important to maintain an attitude of sincerity and curiosity—not to assume you know the other person’s intentions or feelings, but instead to really ask and then listen to what they have to say about how they’ve approached the situation, how they feel, and what they intend.
In his book, How to feel loveDr. Sonya Lubomirsky and Harry Reiss bring together their combined decade of research on happiness and relationships to present 5 mindsets that, when adopted, lead to closer and more fulfilling relationships.
In one article in an online magazine titled “Five Ways to Feel More Love.” Greater Well-Being: Science-Based Insights for a Meaningful LifeDr. Reiss explains the Listening to Learn mindset:
“When we listen to another person, we often prepare our response. It takes you away from the other person. It prevents you from connecting with them. The mindset of listening to learn is the idea that you really have to pay attention so that you can really learn something about the other person. You have to be curious about what they have to say. And then – and this is the most important part of it – you can say to them a simple three-word phrase: ‘To me. tell more'”.
Incorporating these three elements into your relationship allows the other person to feel cared for instead of attacked. It invites curiosity instead of defense. When your tone conveys a desire for intimacy and connection, the conversation can make you both more vulnerable and open to each other.
Choose an appropriate time and place to broach the subject, allowing room for the fullness of the conversation, which can cover many topics that come to mind for each of you, such as related concerns or insights, or just time to enjoy each other’s company after the tension has dissipated.
Communicating with loved ones about topics that make you uncomfortable can feel scary, like something to be avoided. But learning to navigate the difficult things that inevitably come up in a relationship is a necessary part of getting to know your partner and yourself on a deeper level, allowing your daily interactions to be easier, warmer, and more personal.
