This post is the fourth in a six-part series.marriage 911″ series about major relationship issues.
“Dr. Cheryl, we’re just roommates.”
“I love them, but I’m not in love with them anymore.”
“They are my best friend, but no passion.”
Guys. Work. House. Tables. Food. Dog An endless list of things to do. Somewhere in the middle of all those lives… the two of you disappeared.
This is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples.
It is not always a dramatic crisis. It’s often quieter than that. This is a slow and steady drop of separation. But over time, that drop can wear down even the hardest stone. And both of you, spouses, are lost in the business of life.
Welcome to Marriage Incorporated
Most couples don’t break up because something big happened. They are drowning because they were very good at running the family business.
I call it Marriage Incorporated.
The mortgage is paid off. Children come to school. Careers are managed. The house is mostly active. The dog reaches the groom in time. Everyone gets some vegetables – at least for days.
Bravo! Seriously. Life is demanding, and if you keep the whole circus moving, that’s no small feat.
But this begs the question: Where are you two? As lovers? As a romantic couple? As two people who once enjoyed each other?
“We just broke up”
When people explain why they got it divorcedmany say a version of “We Just Broke Up”. It sounds soft. It almost sounds inevitable, like oh, there’s really nothing you could have done to prevent it. Most of the time, the breakup is not mysterious. Attitude usually doesn’t scream as loud as anything else, so it gets pushed to the bottom of the list again and again.
Until you look at the dinner table and think: “Where did you do it?” we go?”
watch this video learn more.
Turn your love life into a hobby
One of the most popular and helpful teachings in my 12-week online couples program Become Passion is to turn your love life into a hobby.
“Say how is Dr. Cheryl?!”
Well, think about your favorite hobbies: golf, pottery, cooking, painting, gardening, training your dog, or playing music.
How is a hobby different from a job?
You choose it. You will enjoy it. You make time for it. You have a plan for it. You appreciate it. You make it a priority. What’s more, you usually want to get better at it. A hobby is acquired attention. You make it a priority.
But let me ask you, does your partner and your relationship get that kind of attention? Or does your loved one get the leftovers – the leftover energy, the leftover patience, the leftover touch, the leftover half-ear as you scroll through the phone and wonder what happened to your life?
Most couples do not want to neglect each other. Unfortunately, neglect still has consequences.
The great couple is no accident
The great couple is not happy. They are intentional. They are trying to connect with each other, to improve their relationship and in what does not work!
They learn to thrive in what I call the three fiery keys.
The key is first proximity — your emotional connection and communication.
The second key is excitement – romance, fun, novelty, surprise and play.
This is what many “roommate couples” struggle with.
The excitement goes bowling on Tuesday nights. It sends a flirty text. It plans a fun and unexpected date. is to laugh more together! Instead of just driving each other and keeping the wheels from falling off the Marriage Inc. bus.
The third key is sensitivity – touch, love, sexualityand erotic intercourse.
Action creates change
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to wait until you feel wildly in love. action with love
In fact, most long-term couples have it backwards. They think, “When I feel close, I’ll schedule a date.” But often, action comes first.
Relationships are important reading
You choose to act in love. And the emotions start to follow.
That’s exactly what changed for the couple I worked with, Joanne and Jeff. They lived together – business, children, grandchildren and decades of history. They were excellent at communicating about logistics. But they were not very happy. Joan was like that solitudeshe wondered if they would stay together retirement. But he watched my free master class and they decided to work on things. They joined my program.
Then they treated their love life as a hobby.
They started kissing goodnight, hugging hello, having weekly date nights and choosing little acts of love and attention. And over time, their relationship became more playful, more connected, more sensitive, and much happier—not because a fairy godmother threw fireballs on their marriage, but because they took action.
Check Jar Date
stuck? Don’t know how to get started? Here is a simple place to start.
Create a date jar. Each of you writes down historical ideas on small pieces of paper. Some can be free or less than $10: a hot chocolate walk, a hotel room picnic, bowling, a drive to watch the sunset, a fancy dinner, a silly adventure, a bookstore date where you each pick out a book for the other person.
So once a week, take one out, and do it – no excuses!
Do it whether you want to or not. Honestly, you don’t always feel like doing your hobbies either. You might plan to play golf, then wake up tired and see rain clouds and think, “Maybe not.” But when you go, you’ll inevitably be glad you tried.
The next step
If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. Most couples don’t need a miracle. They need a decision – a decision to stop giving away the rest of their relationship and prioritize love, connection, romance and sexuality again.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing powerful free teachings, including my Passion Lessons.
Let’s make our relationship a priority. One action step at a time.
