When we say “I want,” the last thing we imagine will happen will eventually happen, and it happens on four different levels. In committed relationships, we betray ourselves and our partners, and our partners betray themselves and us. Because we are confident that our budding relationship is safe from betrayal, infidelity becomes very disruptive. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Maintaining a clean record of loyalty and devotion is not an option. Indeed, it would be a quixotic affair.
Betrayal to yourself
What can be said about self-betrayal also applies to our partners who betray themselves. Therefore, we refer to two levels of betrayal. Self-betrayal occurs when we fail to honor our heart’s desire or our personal values. Such infidelity happens when we conform too much to our partner’s wants and desires, or they are too eager to support our needs. That is, one of us is very eager to please others at the cost of forgetting ourselves. It is very easy to ignore the betrayal of our partners because there is less conflict and more harmony and cooperation when only one person is emotionally involved in the relationship. However, it is very easy for a person who betrays himself to become angry and passive-aggressiveand blame their partner for controlling the relationship.
Examples of self-betrayal can be injury– reported. Our choices are based on early behavior that supports safety. It involves being adaptable, alert and obedient, and compulsively trying to do the right thing, which means not offending your partner. Remember that self-betrayal often leads to resentment of our partners, as if they are holding us hostage.
Self-betrayal repair
We cannot make our partners loyal to us. We can only ask to hear more about what they want and value. They must correct their betrayal. Here are some choices we can make to strengthen our loyalty.
- Notice how often we say yes. This requires pausing and considering whether saying yes to a partner’s request is genuine. If we feel shy about saying “no” start by saying “I don’t know”. When we have made pleasing others a part of loving ourselves, it can be hard to say no. It takes time.
- Create a relationship with desire. It’s easy to say yes when we don’t know what we want. Make it a daily practice to be curious about what you want. Remind yourself that being proactive about your desire doesn’t make you selfish. It will only make you more true to yourself and allow you to be emotionally involved in your relationship.
- Clarify your values. Find out what your life means. What do you value? What do you want to die for? What action do you take to make you feel better? blame and shame?
- Express your desires and values. Let your partner know what you want, especially from them. Talking about your desires and values can make them feel real.
- Stop blaming your partner. Our partners cannot betray us. However, they can enjoy the harmony that comes from our obedience and desire to please.
- Be aware of the moments when you betray yourself. Do not blame yourself for your betrayal. Treat betrayal as an invitation to return to what you want or what you value.
When you are unfaithful
When you are the one who committed the betrayal and you want to bring healing to your relationship, then there are some steps to be followed. Be clear that the time and energy needed to repair will depend on how much deception was involved in the betrayal. We should not accept 10 years sex the act of betraying one’s partners. Betrayal can include breaking a contract, taking action against our partner’s values, breaching confidentiality, or breaking a promise.
- Describe what you did and how fraudulent it was. Determine how you believe your choices will affect your partner and your relationship.
- Make amends. Correction is an apology accompanied by a commitment not to repeat the harmful behavior. Avoid justifying your behavior or asking for pity.
- Describe the violation of your personal values. Tell your partner if you violated your values with this betrayal. You betrayed yourself. This will likely reduce your partner’s belief that you just want them to forgive you and move on.
- Forgive yourself. Explain that it is your responsibility to do what it takes to forgive and accept your partner. to forgive not in your control.
- Be open to your partner’s questions.
- Restoring trust. Let your partner know that you are curious about what it will take to rebuild trust and that you understand how long it may take.
When you are unfaithful
- Shock. Hearing that you have been betrayed can be shocking and overwhelming nervous system. You may want to respond by taking drastic action, such as fight or flight. Adjust your nervous system and do not make any important decisions.
- Try not to idealize yourself. Do not pretend to be above betrayal.
- Self care. Get the support you need, possibly professional, to find out if you have been complicit in cheating. An example would be a husband who did not allow his wife to touch him. She turns to another man for physical contact. Don’t ask for help from a friend who only wants to bully your partner. To work borders that offer emotional stability. Maybe you should sleep in a different room.
- Ask for information that will help you be clear about the nature of the crime. You just want information on how your trust was violated.
- Talk about how you emotionally responded to the betrayal.
- Check if the previous infidelity is reviving. Most of my work with marriage unfaithfulbefore childhood there was betrayal. It is important to address the current infidelity before leaving. When the old is not separated from it, the current treatment can be very difficult.
- Decide if you want to heal the current betrayal.
- Be clear about what you need to rebuild trust and support forgiveness. Once you have this clarity, share it with your partner.
Relationships that suffer from infidelity are easier to heal when it is not defined as safe from it. Betrayal is not just bad luck. It can be an opportunity to uncover patterns of betrayal and alienation.
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