I recently found an outstanding book that combines two of my favorite topics: happiness and love. It has a nameHow to Feel Loved: Five Mindsets That Will Give You More Matters.. And it can absolutely rock your world.
It was written by two expert experts: Harry Reiss, a long-time love researcher; and Sonya Lyubomirsky, a pioneering happiness researcher and distinguished professor of psychology at UC Riverside.
For those who are not familiar with Lyubomirsky’s work, he is a big thing. He recently spoke at TED Mainstage (One thing you can do to be happier), had profile in The New York Times Magazineand had article about How to feel love in New York Times on the opening day of the book.
I praise this book because I believe it can change your life.
For those who read my book, .The Tao of Dating: A Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Totally Irresistible.You may remember its central premise: focused on performance dating. What you are really looking for in a relationship is not a specific person, but a set of feelings that fulfill you. If you’ve ever been with the “right” person but still haven’t felt the love, you know what I’m talking about.
Lyubomirsky and Reiss deal with this topic. In Lyubomirsky’s own words:
My co-authors and I spent 7 years researching decades of happiness science and relationship science, and we came to a simple but powerful conclusion: The key to happiness is not being in love; it’s a feeling of love.
We introduce five mindsets – Sharing, Listening to Learn, Radical Curiosity, Openness and Diversity – that will help you feel more loved in your most important relationships! You do this not by changing yourself, but by changing the other person. but by changing your next conversation.”
What Lyubomirsky and Reis tell us is that by having new kinds of conversation you are likely to feeling loved Let’s take a brief look at each of these conversational mindsets:
1) Exchange: Three components: “a) You must share the complexity of your full, multifaceted personality—both your strengths and your contradictions—with the other person. b) The other person must notice what you have shared.
2) Listening to learn: “To make it happen, you should approach your next conversation thinking of yourself as a listener, not a speaker, that is, listen and ask questions that clarify and understand the other person’s story, and do it as if you were going to ask about their story tomorrow.”
3) radical curiosity: Be curious about your partner.
4) An open heart: “Seeing the best in others and helping them become that version of themselves.”
5) Multidimensional thinking: Recognize that humans are multifaceted creatures. As Walt Whitman famously said in his poem My own song:
Am I against myself?
Okay, so I’m contradicting myself.
(I am big, I contain many people.)
This is a wide frame.
Lyubomirsky and Reiss also take time to dispel some cultural myths about what love feels like. They call these the five “if only” beliefs:
#1: If I were more attractive, stronger, or more successful, I would love myself more.
#2: I would be more loved if I made sure others knew about my qualities and accomplishments.
#3: If I hid my flaws, I would be loved more.
#4: If only my partner spoke my love language, I would love more.
#5: If I could make my partner love me more, I would love more.”
None of these myths hold up to scientific investigation or even common sense. And, as an aside, the whole “love languages” framework is unscientific and kind of BS. I am so glad that the authors are also doing a great and decisive job of dispelling this myth.
What the authors propose instead is the Sea-Saw Relationship (sic), which is the centerpiece of the book. It’s a “subtle dance of lifting and being lifted” where you engage in an upward spiral of growth. proximity with your partner:
Important relationships to read
Genuine interest and curiosity → sharing → understanding, appreciation and open-heartedness → feeling loved.
I read How to feel love several times now. And as a Happiness Engineer who has been studying, writing and teaching about happiness and love for over 20 years, I can say this book is life changing. This is a paradigm shift in the way we think about love and relationships and should rightfully become a cultural touchstone. It has already improved my well-being and it can improve yours too. And it is much cheaper than that therapy!
I really recommend that you get a couple of copies of this because you will want to give it to loved ones (with whom you can have a relationship or not, tick). Principles in How to feel love to all relationships that deserve our attention and attention – family, friendship and romantic partners.
Make no mistake: the quality of our relationships is the quality of our life. There is literally nothing in the world that has a greater impact on our long-term well-being. And yet, no one teaches us these things. Not in high school, not in college, not in high school.
Lubomirsky and Reiss have combined 80 years of experience to bring this book to the world so we can love better. May you walk away from this book as transformative as I did.
