At a large social gathering not long ago, a technical friend of mine, sitting next to a total stranger, said to me after their long conversation, “That was the most profound conversation I’ve had with anyone in years. Usually, my conversations with other people are superficial and mean nothing.” When I asked him what they were talking about, he said: “Religion. We had different opinions about religion, but the conversation was intimate and respectful. We were able to agree, to be honest and not insult in any way. It was amazing.”
While many young people are addicted to their cell phones, I wonder how they are learning to have deep conversations with others—a necessary skill in developing intimate friendships and romantic relationships. Because a great conversation is like a beautifully choreographed dance in which both partners skillfully contribute to its beauty, a great conversation is a work of art—a function of timing, respect, and mutual understanding. The conversation is not an interview, nor a lecture, nor a monologue, but a dialogue – an exchange of ideas and opinions between the involved participants!
How do we learn to speak fluently? With lots of practice! We must be fully engaged and attentive to the other person’s nonverbal cues. We need to notice if the other person is participating in the conversation and when to interject our own story or perspective. Like all skills, it requires a lot of experience and observational data about how it’s going, that is, when it’s going well, or instead, it’s working out of whack and in need of a major overhaul.
I vividly remember the awkwardness of my first date when I was 16 years old. There was a long silence as none of us felt comfortable talking. Since the long silence made me more uncomfortable and I couldn’t say anything, I started reading the streets and signs of the shops we passed as we drove around the city. “Oh, there’s State Street!” And after a few minutes, I can say, “There’s a Woolworth’s right across the street.” Reading my gestures led nowhere but more silence. Fortunately, my conversational skills have improved over time.
Important conversational skills
What did I learn? I learned to balance questions about the other person’s story with related comments about my own experience. When paying attention to the other person, I learned to start the conversation by commenting on something we had in common, even something as simple as the weather. Meet “It’s so cold today!” may say after another person: “My angry companion and I almost froze!” This can lead to: “Your dog seems to be a loyal companion even on cold days” (sympathy comprehension communication response) followed by “What kind of dog do you have?” (a question that shows interest, which facilitates the flow of the conversation).
An observation about the other person’s suitcase: “It looks like you’re going on a trip” can easily lead to a short exchange about vacations. Or a positive comment about another person’s jewelry or clothing can turn into an argument about clothing or culture.
At a conference, in a classroom, or on a long line, commenting to a stranger or an acquaintance about a shared experience, such as “That teacher has an interesting resume” or “Target always seems to be busy” are good conversation starters. After such introductory comments, sympathetic responses, open-ended or closed-ended questions, and/or related anecdotes are generally good follow-up strategies to keep the conversation going.
If the person seems disinterested (he may be struggling with personal issues), an open-ended question may engage him. Otherwise, the conversation could be politely ended with a short word: “I’d better go.”
Common errors
While the conversation may start well, there is no guarantee that it will flow smoothly from that point on. The most common mistakes in unsatisfactory conversation attempts are one member talking too much, getting personal too quickly, and/or ignoring the other person’s lack of interest. It is likely to be a one-sided conversation with too much detail added boring to the listener. And not interrupting the other person’s conversation is unfair. The silent member is often uncomfortable with usurping the speaker’s attention space, but uncomfortable with saying so. Often, the silent member will want to leave the stage and find an excuse to end the conversation.
On the other hand, shy or people who are inhibited often have difficulty with related experiences or anecdotes that facilitate conversation. They may be adept at empathizing or questioning, but are uncomfortable sharing their thoughts, and when they do, they offer too few details to engage. Responding to most inquiries with “Good” or “Interesting”, they make it difficult for the other person to follow the conversation down such blind alleys. To help shy people feel more comfortable sharing personal information, they can start by offering their opinions on less sensitive topics such as movies, podcasts, restaurants, sports, TV shows, or work before venturing into more personal areas.
I recently watched a man bombard the doorman with a long story. The porter, who was locked behind the desk, looked very bored and distracted as the speaker went on and on, giving many details about the incident he was narrating. Finally, the porter suddenly said: – Have a nice day! before turning to attend to his duties. It was clear that the gatekeeper was not interested in what the speaker had and the speaker was oblivious to the gatekeeper’s indifference. To pay attention It is important to involve the other person in the conversation, to have mutual conversations that are satisfying for both parties.
In addition, getting personal too early in the conversation can be uncomfortable for the listener because he or she does not have enough information to assess the seriousness of the speaker. anxiety, solitude or dysfunctional family.
Why conversations are important
People often wonder if conversations, especially with strangers, are worth the risk. Because the world at large often feels threatening, we surround ourselves in small bubbles of connection that have limited connections. We mostly talk to familiar types—people who are similar to us in appearance, cultural background, and values—and thereby deprive ourselves of the challenges that come with vastly different experiences.
While personal conversations with acquaintances, colleagues, and club members can sometimes lead to rejection, hostility, or unwanted offers, conversations with others can significantly enrich our lives. Conversations can provide a wealth of information about a neighborhood, workplace, and other local activities, while deepening our understanding of people. They can reduce loneliness, strengthen our network of connections, and broaden our worldview by including others who are different from us. In other words, conversational fluency is a skill that needs to be developed and countered depressionisolation and polarization.
