“The whole world is a birthday cake, so take a slice, but not too much.” – George Harrison
Given the central role sexuality in romantic love, one can expect a rich sexual history to increase its quality romantic relationships. However, research often points in the opposite direction: Extensive premarital sexual experience is associated with lower relationship stability and greater likelihood divorce. This poses a real conundrum, especially since most people in modern Western societies engage in premarital sex, often with partners other than their spouse.
The paradox can be summarized in three broad empirical claims:
- Sexual intercourse is important for the development of romantic relationships.
- A greater number of premarital sexual partners predicts a greater likelihood of divorce.
- Experiencing sex before marriage can improve sexual performance.
The first claim enjoys strong empirical support; the second is also well supported, although more controversial; the third remains controversial and only weakly supported.
Sexuality is essential to a thriving relationship
“Too much of a good thing can be weird!” – Mae West
Studies consistently show that sexual satisfaction is a key component of relationship well-being and one of the strongest predictors of overall relationship satisfaction for both men and women. Importantly, relationship quality and sexual satisfaction are mutually reinforcing: satisfying relationships promote sex, and sexual satisfaction often strengthens relationships (Józefacka et al., 2023; Velten & Margraf, 2017; Vowels & Mark, 2020).
Sexual intercourse is not only physical. It represents emotional closeness, reciprocity and liveliness of relationships. In this sense, sex can be deepened attachment and strengthen romantic ties. However, the law of diminishing returns may apply here as well.
Positive additive experiences are often beneficial only up to a certain point, after which the benefits become smaller or even negative. This raises an interesting question: does the accumulation of premarital sexual experience ultimately impair some aspects of romantic flourishing? One indication may be that many people, especially women, are reluctant to disclose their entire sexual history to a spouse or long-term partner.
Premarital sex and the risk of divorce
“If sex was bad, I wouldn’t marry someone. Sexual compatibility is the most important thing to me.” – Man
Jesse Smith and Nicholas Wolfinger (2024) report a non-linear relationship between the number of premarital sexual partners and the risk of divorce. Individuals with nine or more premarital sexual partners show the highest risk of divorce by a significant margin; those with one to eight partners show lower risk; and those without a premarital partner show the lowest risk.
Similarly, Marta Komorowska-Pudlo (2025) found that women whose first sexual experience was only with their partner were higher in connection and marital adjustment than women whose first experience was with no romantic partners or who had multiple partners. As the number of previous partners increased, participants reported less emotional intimacy and self-esteem, along with greater partner devaluation and hopelessness.
Of course, correlation does not imply causation. A rich sexual history may reflect broader personal characteristics, such as less commitment to exclusivity, more openness to alternatives, or a different approach to marriage– which contribute to the instability of relations.
Sexual Experience: Mastery vs. Intimacy
“Everyone can learn to be a better lover. It’s a connection, love, and compatibility that you can’t unlearn. I’ve had some great boyfriends that I couldn’t stand after a year. I’ve also had wonderful women who were terrible in bed at first, but because they loved me and wanted to please me, we learned together. Gender can be learned.” – Adam
“My sex with my last lover was amazing, but far from natural, it was more perfectly staged porn that he was a superstar. I got the impression from our lover of several hours that the length of the meeting was important to his personal record. I felt that he did not see or hear me, but acted mechanically and calculatingly.” – Divorce
These accounts suggest two opposite consequences of extensive sexual experience. On the one hand, the experience can improve sexual skills and increase partner satisfaction. On the other hand, a highly polished performance can sometimes feel mechanical, impersonal, or emotionally detached. In such cases, technical expertise can hinder rather than deepen intimacy.
Sexual competence can be achieved through multiple partners or within committed relationships. However, extended experience can also bring relationship costs, including more comparisons to past partners, feelings of diminished exclusivity, unresolved regrets, and a tendency to see sexuality as more than connection.
Something that is beneficial can become excessive when it no longer contributes to overall growth and instead interferes with more meaningful pursuits. Thus, while “as much as merrier” may be true up to a point, there really can be too much of a good thing. Sex is typically a positive and enriching experience, while compulsive sexual behavior often has the opposite effect (Ben-Zeev, 2019).
In fact, the question is whether repeated sexual encounters develop the ability to love or just the ability to perform. The answer varies from person to person and situation. However, in a period of many romantic opportunities, sexual performance can sometimes get more attention than emotional intimacy. Being a skilled sexual performer is not the same as being a faithful and true lover.
Conclusions
“Treating sex as an illegal transaction doesn’t mean you’re just in it for the sex.'” — Man
sex attraction and satisfaction is definitely important in a romantic relationship. People tend to rate relationships with attractive partners more positively, in part because such partners are associated with pleasure. Attractive partners can also enhance satisfaction through positive comparisons with perceived alternatives (Gardiner et al., 2026). However, sexual experience and attraction alone are not enough to sustain a deep and lasting love. Values congruence, emotional response, trust and sharing goals remains important. Because these factors vary greatly among individuals, the effects of extensive sexual experience on long-term relationship quality are complex and difficult to generalize.
So the central paradox remains. Sexuality is an essential part of romantic flourishing; but more sexual experience does not necessarily lead to better romantic outcomes. A rich history of sex can provide knowledge, confidenceand skill, but it can also create challenges for exclusivity, intimacy, and long-term sustainability. In romantic love, as in other areas of life, more is not always better.
