“I hate you!”
What does it mean when your child says this? What do you do about it?
At the end of a weekend full of tumultuous moments that included screaming, Jackie carefully considered whether she should impose the usual Sunday night restrictions on 14-year-old Erin. Just letting it go seemed too interesting to keep the peace. He was tired of explosions and tension. In the end, Jackie decided to take some time off, but when she told Erin it was time to give up the phone and go to bed, her daughter yelled at her again. Before a heartbroken Jack found the door, Erin seemed to be throwing out “I hate you” with every breath. Only the closed door between them could silence her screams.
How to think about it
Thinking “I hate you” literally can send a parent into a tailspin personal space where you take the statement at face value and take it to heart, which can be very painful. Hopefully, it will lead to a more reflective process where you can identify exactly what you think and feel about spirit lambs. If you see it as a natural or inevitable part parentsA teenager expressed frustration with parental controls and restrictions, cont. If it’s feeling more personal, honest, or angry, talk to yourself, your partner, a friend, or a therapist before moving on. This is what Jackie needed. Parents need to understand what this means in the here and now and from the past and whatever else it brings for them. How confident are you that this is your child’s truth, and how much of it is a weapon of adolescence or the result of a child misunderstanding things before they can think them through?
It is very natural for children to “take out” their feelings towards their parents. We see this from the beginning of our children’s lives. They show us how they feel before they tell us how they feel. How we respond emotionally is very important. Naturally and frankly the best. Hard and closed is the worst. How we behave is also important. Think about the experiences between you and your child. How does your child best receive comfort, strategies, and other supports from you? What about restrictions and rules? Do you suspect that there is something else going on with your child that could be causing them to have a tantrum? Finally, before you talk to them about what you like, think about what caused the outburst. It is not necessary to talk about it immediately; sometimes one hit is better. Cooling off time can be beneficial for both of you. Alone time is good – not as punishmentbut as a time for your child to reflect or rebuild.
What to be careful about
In our clinical experience, we have found that one of the most potentially negative parenting responses occurs when parents compromise what they believe to be right in order to appease their child and avoid confrontation. They stick with what they believe their child can handle easily, but deny them the opportunity to learn better self-management. While compromise can be important, you don’t want to sacrifice the moment when emotional learning happens. We recommend that you don’t let how your child dictates how you message, even though it may change your texting style or timing. So remember to give your best advice, but don’t hesitate to give it. For example, if Jackie kept letting her daughter fall asleep with the phone in her hand until Erin herself, because she, Jackie, wanted to avoid Erin’s fire, we would have noticed that because it was clear to her that Erin wasn’t there. self control he cared about himself and he neglected what his daughter needed from him. Another possibility is that if Jackie perceives Erin’s outburst as her daughter’s way of venting her emotions during class, Jackie might tolerate the outburst without taking it personally. With more experience between them, Jackie would develop a better relationship with Erin, and so her expectations and demands could evolve as well. Jackie can see this as part of Erin’s emotional growth and development and a key aspect of her parenting.
When to look deeper into this
For some children and adults, “I hate you” may be associated with deeper feelings that need to be discussed with a professional. Your child may need help processing his feelings. We can all have strong emotions. And we all have to learn how to handle them. If you see that your child is withdrawn, silent, does not eat, has difficulty to sleepor showing altered behavior with your peers, it would be a good time to consult a pediatrician. If your child needs emotional support from a professional or you yourself want support for your parenting, we’ve found that sooner is better. Sometimes, just talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist can reduce the tension to a manageable level for both of you.
As we understand it from our clinical work with children and parents, “I hate you” is a normal reflection of emotional experience. Sometimes it reflects the feelings of the parents. Sometimes parents are just an easy and accessible target for closed feelings that really have nothing to do with parents at all. All children can have different emotions from hate to love, and there are many in between. Strong emotions are harder to process. Learning how to manage yourself in the face of these emotions is a normal developmental challenge. A child needs experience and support to figure out how to handle it all. Many parents find that they too need support and guidance as they learn how to best care for their grieving child. It’s inevitable that parents can take it personally when children express their feelings for you, and this can be an instance where professional help can be helpful. As always, the best way to deal with parenting issues is to move on and learn for next time. In parenting, next time is usually inevitable, but experience is the greatest teacher.
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