You know the pattern: You ask what you think is an innocent question, and your partner responds with an overreaction. Maybe you can stop it, but maybe not. Their response creates a strong reaction in you: you punch, and now you shut up and run. What’s going on beneath the surface is the fight beneath the war, the triggering of each other’s emotional wounds.
The anatomy of emotional wounds, their effects and how to break the pattern is:
5 wounds, 3 ways to fight
Depending on how our parents treated us, we are all conditioned as children to be susceptible to at least one or two of the five wounds: criticism, micromanagement, not feeling appreciated, feeling rejected or unheard, or feeling neglected. As a child, the ways you coped when you were hurt were basically limited to three: be nice – walk on eggshells to avoid conflict – withdraw and withdraw, or get angry. And if you had siblings, you would often be distant from them: my brother is angry, my sister is calm, I am fine. Whatever you chose worked in that it helped you when you were threatened or injured.
We incorporate our coping strategies into our intimate relationships
At some point—five days or five weeks—our partner stirs up our wounds: they ask this simple question and you hear criticism; they tell us to drive to Walmart, and you feel micromanaged; you throw a nice party and they don’t say anything positive, so you feel unappreciated; you try to tell them about your day and they’re looking at their phones, so you feel dismissed; you text them and they don’t respond for six hours, so you feel neglected.
The cycle begins
You are now doing what you did when you were 6: get angry, get nice, avoid. As soon as you do that, it usually creates another wound. They react, you react, and everyone is off and running, each one feeling and acting like a 6-year-old.
You try to figure out the combination that will stop them
When the dust settles, your 6-year-old brain is still at work saying, “If I get this, do the right things—don’t leave my shoes in the living room, don’t tell their mom, don’t cook potty—they’ll magically stop—stop criticizing, appreciate me more, etc.” Unfortunately, you will never understand this because you come from a childish mindset.
I have met many couples who do exactly this for years and eventually reach a point where they are tired of feeling criticized, micromanaged, etc. divorcedthey remarried and then they do it again.
The real problem is childhood software
They do it again because the problem isn’t really about the other person—yes, they’re trolling you—but the real problem is that whatever you learned as a child doesn’t work in the adult world. To stop the cycle, stop the urge, and stop feeling and acting like a child, you need to update your software. how are you
Two steps
#1: Cut the deal in the relationship
As a child, you probably couldn’t tell your parents what you needed—less criticism, more appreciation. Now you need to do this: Speak up and let your partner know what your emotional wounds are and what you need. They don’t need to walk on eggshells or tape their mouths shut; you just need to be more sensitive to them. And you want to know what their emotional wounds are. Now, make up: I’ll try not to step on your wounds; you try not to step on me.
#2: Update your software: Do what you can’t do
Both of you are doing your best, but you still need to update your software. It’s not about you, it’s about living your life and not feeling like a child. Solution: Do what you can’t do.
If you tend to be nice and avoid conflict, learn to tolerate strong emotions and conflict, be demandingand tell others instead of holding on and being a martyr. If you tend to avoid and become inactive, learn to initiate instead of joining. If you are inclined angerlearn to control your emotions; you don’t have to bite your tongue, but instead use anger as information to tell others what you need instead of spewing it across the room. You are now doing what you could not do with your parents.
Breaking the cycle means healing wounds
The moral here is that intimate relationships come with each partner’s childhood baggage, and one partner’s baggage can bring up the other’s baggage and create conflict—that’s normal. But the keys to breaking this cycle are knowing what they are each sensitive to and working individually to eliminate childhood coping styles that no longer work.
You can learn it now, learn it later, or never learn it, but at some point, you have to learn it if you want to stop feeling like a child and take better control of your life.
