Grief hits hard. It can be sudden – getting fired, losing your home in a fire, a loved one gone in an instant. Or it can develop slowly, from a bit of emotional pain, such as a chronic illness that causes increasing disability, an emotional distance from a loved one that widens over the years, or a partner who is in the grip of dementia. These little bits add up and until you’re under a weight so heavy that you can finally name it: GRIEF.
Sometimes grief is disguised as “normal life” and leaves you struggling to identify the reasons why you feel deprived. Any transition, even a seemingly positive one, can trigger this feeling – from moving to another city for work, ending a relationship, having a child, or a spouse retiring. Ending any of the different stages of life can cause grief; a mourning for what your life was and for who you were before this transition.
Whatever form grief takes, it has a profound effect and needs attention. Writing about your grief can help ease its weight. In a Interview 2023Lisa Shulman, MD, FAAN, is a professor of neurology at the University of Maryland and author Before and after loss: A neuroscientist’s perspective on loss, grief, and our brains explained
The brain’s response to traumatic loss can cause confusion and extreme anxiety, which can disrupt sleep and increase disturbing dreams at night and frightening thoughts, such as flashbacks, during the day. Understanding these brain mechanisms has led to interventions such as journaling and art therapy that help connect emotional and cognitive memories.
Brittany Cowart, LCSW, director of grief services at Full Circle Grief Center, describes The many benefits of journaling during grieflike:
- A grief journal offers a simple tool that requires only pen and paper or a computer/tablet.
- Journalism doesn’t require us to speak up if we’re not ready.
- We can take small but steady and honest steps forward, which is the only way to overcome grief.
- According to grief experts, the task of rebuilding our personal identity is essential in the healing process. A grief journal is one way we allow a safe, judgment-free space for true reflection and healing to occur.
Journaling is a time to set aside any external considerations and allow yourself to express whatever is going on inside of you without worry or criticism. Inevitably, strong emotions will arise, be it shock, sadness, or even hopelessness. It’s important to refrain from writing about your feelings, especially feelings that seem unacceptable.
Remember, this is only for you, only for your use, release and personal experience. So, feel free to write down the darkest thoughts you have, especially feelings of guilt, horrible memories, or troubling recurring regrets that may be bothering you. Feel free to express any lingering anger you may have at yourself, at others, at someone you’ve lost. In this way, the pain of loss can be borne more easily, the emotional chaos that surrounds the day and night can be with breathing space, even a little.
Dr. Shulman describes her personal experience of journaling to process her grief after losing her husband to cancer.
It wasn’t just effective at getting things off my chest. It was also meditative and allowed me to get to the heart of what I was so upset about. It was also very helpful to read my own words about what was going on. Often times, when we experience emotional trauma, the magnitude of it is overwhelming. Giving a specific description makes it feel manageable. And taking the time to express my feelings helped me get in touch and feel my anxiety.
Cowart offers journalism tips Writing Bones: Freeing the Writer Withinby Natalie Goldberg including:
- Move your hands.
- Don’t pause to reread your line of writing.
- Don’t cross the line. Even if you write something you didn’t mean to write, leave it, let it go.
- Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar.
- Don’t think or rationalize. Let your right brain take over.
- Keep it simple (…you can choose) use a grief feelings journal, sentence starters or a grief journal, or draw/paint your grief.
And journaling guidelines such as:
- Today I really missed…
- The hardest time of the day is…
- I felt a lot…
- I feel more connected to my loved ones when…
- I can respect my love…
- My favorite comforting memory is…
- Some of the triggers for my grief are…
- I could do more than…
- I could use less…
- I am thankful for…
- My favorite memory of my boyfriend is…
- The most difficult memory I have of a lover is…because…it makes me feel…
As an alternative to these tips, she further suggests writing a love letter to your lover:
- Tell them what you love and appreciate about them.
- Recall a favorite memory the two of you shared.
- Tell them what happened in your life after they died, how you grew and changed. How you remember and honor them.
When experiencing a loss, whether it’s a personal loss, someone you care about who has passed away, or even a public figure you liked who has passed away, it’s very natural to remember your own death in a way that’s clear to you. This can compound the grief of the loss and accentuate it deeply. Do not censor such concerns – your health, your life, your future – in the face of loss. These worries are human and natural, and you should take into account everything that happens to you in this turbulent time. There is no right or wrong, no right or wrong to feel or think.
Grief is incredibly personal and it’s also universal. At some point we lose everything or someone we value and take a significant emotional toll. Each person grieves in a unique way depending on the nature and circumstances of his life. For example, some may be prone to humor, some to comforting cries, some to silence, some to focus too much on practical things. Many people go through all of these reactions.
Even within families, people’s grief can be felt at different levels and in different ways at any given moment. Therefore, it is important that we give ourselves and others infinite grace. And since there is no timetable for grief, this offer of grace is an integral part of a more harmonious and stable relationship that follows. Writing about all of your reactions to others during this time, whether you’re heartbroken for them, angry at them, distant, etc. can help.
Grief changes lives. It is often difficult to recognize ourselves or our lives through the cloud of pain. Routine activities can feel alternately comforting and meaningless. To imagine something different is to imagine that it will always be different. Taking time to feel and express your feelings in this private writing space can bring you back to a slightly softer place, can offer fragments of clarity, and provide much-needed space to breathe.
