There is no single universally accepted definition of empathy. What we do know is that empathy is a combination of that perspectivenon-judgment and the ability to understand and communicate about someone else’s feelings. Research links continuously sympathy leadership to trust, psychological safety, engagement and performance (Edmondson, 2018; Goleman, 1998).
In my work your trainer leaders around the world, I hear leaders struggle with what to say/do to show empathy. I often have to explain that empathy is not natural personality A trait or a soft trait is a set of skills that can be learned practice. And empathy is often expressed in behavior, especially through language.
We can build rapport and strengthen shared understanding by paying attention to our language, both what we say and how we say it, to help translate empathic intent into empathic impact.
Sympathy and AWE
Empathy is conveyed not only through actions, but through everyday language. Words can build trust or quietly destroy it. To pay attention to what I call AWE language is one way we can show empathy:
- To prevent discrimination and abusive language
- to testify others by seeing and hearing them without judgement
- Attractive Be intentional with language that builds rapport
Most leaders rely on language designed to help. The problem is that it often lands differently than intended. So let’s look at these one by one.
1. Refrain from lying
When someone recounts a difficult or negative experience, it’s tempting to use catchy or dismissive phrases such as:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “It’s going to be okay.”
- “You’ll be fine.”
These responses are good and very popular. The harsh reality is:
- We don’t know exactly how anyone else feels.
- We cannot predict the results with certainty.
- These phrases often stop further conversation.
Let’s look at a real example.
Team Member 1: “My contract was not renewed…”
Team Member 2: “It happened to me once. I know exactly how you feel…. Don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
This response focuses attention on the other person’s experience and implies emotional and conditional equality, but the two people do not live the same life. The answer also eases the concerns of team members.
The more sympathetic responses seem to be: “That sounds really harsh. What sounds more right now?” or “Thanks for sharing it – do you want to talk about it?”
“at least”
Another common mistake involves empathy “at least»
Colleague 1: “I didn’t get the job I applied for. I spent a lot of time and effort researching and preparing for it…”
Colleague 2: “At least you still have a job. The market is pretty bad right now. Consider yourself lucky to be in a job.”
This response minimizes the partner’s emotional experience and takes the focus away from the interlocutor.
A more empathetic response is, “I’m so sorry to hear that. You’ve worked so hard for this, and it’s no wonder you’re disappointed. It’s really hard.”
“done”
Direct report: “I was really upset that my meeting with the client didn’t end with a signed contract. I made sure I covered all of their issues and concerns.”
Essential leadership reading
Manager: “You should be more demanding.”
The manager’s answer means how his direct report should feeling and prioritizing problem-solving over understanding, offering quick fixes without listening, which creates distance rather than offering understanding or support.
A more empathetic response might be, “I can see you’re frustrated. What would you do next time?”
Opinions, thresholds, and sensibilities are often not well-intentioned, but they miss the mark when it comes to empathy.
2. Witness their experiences
To witness another, we must create a container of time, space, and attention. In practice, this means that we must be present. We need to put aside our own thoughts, assumptions, and biases to make room for understanding. We must listen with our whole body (including tone of voice, facial expressions, body languageand all the senses) to testify to what is right for another person. We must suspend judgment and internal conclusions, be open and curious, and avoid reductive or corrective language when we seek to understand another person’s perspective.
This process of non-judgmental witnessing is fundamental to demonstrating empathy and creating psychological safety, both of which are essential to learning. innovationand workplace speech (Edmondson, 2018).
3. Attract connections
Leaders sometimes worry about finding the right words, which can get in the way. Compassion is not about having the perfect words. It is about choosing to communicate with another in a way that the other person feels and is heard. This can be like translating or repeating what they said to show you heard them, checking to make sure you understood, or asking questions to gather more information. All of these approaches generate interest and all create a connection. And when you don’t know what to say, take a page from Brene Brown and admit that you don’t know what to say, but you’re glad you shared it.
In a world where so many people feel unheard, choosing to engage and build connections is more important than ever.
About choosing AWE
When we bring AWE to our language—avoid insults, witness others, and engage in connection—and the way we show up, we move from managing the conversation to actually meeting people. We choose to witness instead of rejecting, to engage instead of guessing, to connect instead of fix. Empathy is rooted in wonder, genuine curiosity about the inner world of another person. By using AWE as a language and mindset, we can create deeper understanding and stronger human connection.
