Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, MA
Ori and Maya are doing very well.
They entered therapy within a couple of months, work on opening them marriage. After more than 20 years together, feeling bored and they wanted something else, they opened things. It awakened something in them, but, in the end, it brought more confusion and pain than connection. In therapy, we shifted our focus from how to have sex with other partners to how to make better love with each other.
At the meeting, Ori tells us that they had a big fight last week. This time, instead of divorcing for three days and not talking, they did something else. They stayed and talked. The next day they practiced couch time, a technique we teach couples to deepen friendship. They talked more openly. They became more vulnerable. They understood each other. And then, Ori says, they had the best sex they’d had in a long time. Maya smiles and blushes a little.
He looks at us and says, “And I don’t know why.”
We said: “No wonder why.”
What they experienced was a recipe for sex. And no, it doesn’t include new modes, positions, playlists or moves.
Three types of flirting
As we described beforeThere are three ways to love your partner.
Physical love that is sexual.
Emotional love that is vulnerability. We call it “heart and heart”. He dares to dress up with emotions and say something.
And mental love, which is a mental connection. It’s when we challenge each other, push each other, show each other our blind spots, and grow.
Put all three together and you get mental synergy. But let’s put that aside for now.
What happened to Ori and Maya
Many people forget that sex is not just a physical act. It is also emotional and psychological. Ori and Maya were perfect examples. Both were looking outside of their marriage for more satisfaction, but they didn’t realize that there was actually more sex inside. They just didn’t work with the other two types.
They didn’t stumble upon the better sex by accident. They have access to the relational equation. We call it the “mathematics of gender relations of the mind”. I wrote this for them on a piece of paper:
Why does it work?
Because sex is a meeting between two people. The more you bring not only your body, but also your mind and heart, the better the meeting will be. The more open and vulnerable you feel with yourself and your partner, the more you can bring. When sex expands into a complete meeting of body, mind, and spirit, you can transcend existence solitude and experience a fuller, richer and longer climax. Right there, with each other.
Ori and Maya went to bed differently that night. They fought and made amends, which is a soul connection. They spent time on the sofa, which is an emotional connection. They met twice before touching at eye level. Then, of course, the body followed.
As we get older and wiser, this becomes more important. Your body is changing. Your desire changes. In retirement at home, in a wheelchair, you probably don’t do tantric kamasutra. But you can still sit there and make love to your partner’s mind and heart. This is also love.
Simple relational mathematics.
Do the other two first
If you want better sex, start with your mind and heart.
Start mentally. Reading How to leave your mind. Yes, more math involved. The recipe for a great psychic connection is:
Game + “give me more” + blocking exits = great psychological love
Invite your partner. Let them invite you. Enjoy discovering and sharing new dimensions of yourself and each other.
Then the feelings. Emotional love look at me. It’s the art of daring to let your guard down and share what’s going on inside of you. Learn say the word and express your feelings, fears, and desires directly. Learn let it come down and practice full-body listening, where you dare to really touch what your partner is saying. These two skills are two components of maturity proximitywhat we call “feeling, together” – the ability to be vulnerable at eye level, while maintaining the versatility of both partners.
When it comes to sex itself, talk to your partner. Open it. Expand your entry points to physical love. The sensitivity is not equal sexualitySo the goal is sexuality, not sexuality. There will still be some nights sexual maintenanceand it’s amazing. This is a long-term investment.
The more you bring yourself to mind and heart, the more your body will follow. This is the synergy of spirit when all three come together.
Ori and Maya are now opening their marriage to more dimensions.
Your turn. Math has never been so much fun. Share this article with your partner. Try it for thirty days.
This is simple relationship math.
Galit Romanelli, MA relationship coach, Ph.D candidate and co-author A road map to remarriageapp for couples who want more from each other.
