I would be hard pressed to name a male friend that I met by chance. For most men, friendship comes from doing something. We tend to need this framework to make sure we can really open up and talk about what’s on our minds. This is why most men get emotional when they are drunk or after a victory.
The point is that it is not the original activity that is part of friendship. It is much simpler and sometimes more difficult than that.
Why most dating tips fail men
The majority friendship giving and holding advice is universal and really helpful. In 9 proven ways to build friendships old and newSusan Newman Ph.D., gives some fantastic advice on reducing fear loss, ensuring safety, listening deeply and prioritizing your friendships.
The flaw I see in all of this advice is how friendships usually begin between men. Everything Dr. Newman mentions assumes that a certain level of trust and emotional availability already exists. For many men, confidence and emotional availability come after an activity because it’s easier to gauge someone’s personality. personality when there is a low-interest activity. This is also one of the differences between women and men.
Side by Side vs. Face to Face
The main difference between most men and women when it comes to making friends and keeping friends is how they do it.
In his book The buddy system: Understanding male friendshipsUniversity of Maryland researcher Jeffrey Greif suggests that male friendships are more like “shoulder-to-shoulder” than “eye-to-eye” — men bond by doing something rather than by sitting around and talking about their feelings. To be clear, it’s not that men don’t want to talk about their feelings – they don’t at all. It’s just not what men lead with.
NYU developmental psychologist Niobe Way spent decades interviewing boys about their friendships. His research, detailed in A deep secret and a recent Harvard EdCast interviewfound that boys begin to desire intimacy – and then cultural pressure teaches them to stop it. The capacity for friendship does not disappear. It is repressed and only finds its way back when it is among trusted friends or on vacation.
It’s during downtime around activities or in between that idle chatter turns into real connections.
Why do men need them?
In between is the unstructured time that surrounds the activity. Things like riding, cleaning up after, breaks between innings, after a game beer or taking the trash to the dump. It’s these low-stress, low-pressure, agenda-free times that create the space where real conversation comes in. The main thing that makes them so special is that you’re not trying to connect – you’re filling the silence with who you are. Those moments add up and before you know it, you start to open up because comfort and trust is built.
Another thing in between is that it’s hard to replicate online. You must be physically present and physically take a break from the activity to act in between. Sure, online spaces can do some of that, but the In Real Life (IRL) aspect is important because it’s when people are together that you can feel a level of comfort and coziness. anxiety between you
How modern life has killed people
Nowadays we are obsessed with our smartphones and it seems like a minute goes by that we don’t move to see what we have been missing. We are so trained in this that any downtime or awkward silence is replaced by the flick of a finger. Social media. This single habit is slowly killing people.
So times like waiting before a game starts, cooling down after a workout or even having a drink after an event have all been chosen by countless people. dopamine rush from the latest cat meme video.
Another factor that also plays a role is our avoidance of the inefficient type of drag, especially in the US. The smartphone fills the “inefficient” gap well and keeps us busy. It also helps solitude.
US Surgeon General Loneliness Advice 2023 The decline marked what sociologist Ray Oldenburg famously called “third places”—parks, bars, libraries, and gathering places outside the home and work where informal communication naturally occurred. The council called the creation of such a social infrastructure as the first priority to overcome the epidemic of loneliness.
While recovery is important, we need to stop ourselves from always looking at the shiny things in our pockets.
What men can actually do
Men need places where they can interact side by side so that the moments between them can happen naturally. Men should work to recreate these moments because it helps them build lasting friendships. Here are some places where they naturally occur:
- Recreational sports leagues: Don’t just go play. Then go to the bar.
- Martial Arts: Langing is built into the culture and having your phone is hard too.
- Volunteer: Work with a group of like-minded people. Resist the urge to do it alone.
- Social events: Go to places where people are and phones are discouraged.
The thing to remember is that the rest of the friendship advice — listen, reduce fear of loss, ensure safety, etc. — comes naturally when you’re in the middle of it.
Friendship doesn’t have to be a big moment
Most male friendships rarely involve a meaningful conversation about life. What usually seems to be two or three guys are still in the parking lot after the game, talking about nothing, including not being ready to go.
That’s it. This is between. And from there the close friendship of men begins.
