People in new non-monogamous relationships often go to great lengths to develop air relationship agreements. It seems like, for example, talking about how you prioritize between partners when there are competing demands on your time; how you handle communication so you can stay connected without being glued to your phone; How you manage disclosure and privacy with multiple partners and more.
I’m all for a detailed and thoughtful conversation with your partners, but there’s one piece that often gets left out of that conversation: to renegotiate agreements. I think people sometimes think that renegotiating agreements is a sign of failure. But in my view, it is an integral part of the process of making and keeping agreements.
That’s why I encourage my clients Think of the first set of deals as an experiment; you try something, collect data, evaluate, and develop a new plan informed by what you learn. In fact, I recommend that you set aside time on the calendar to review the experience and discuss how it went for all concerned –
The importance of incremental experiences
In my experience, the process of growing experiences is one of the secrets of a good relationship. Responding to each other while exploring new territory creates safety and confidence that allows for more exploration. This is a better strategy than deciding what it should be and then trying to fit yourself and others into a hypothetical structure.
You can’t predict everything from the beginning, and you don’t need to. You are unique people with unique feelings, preferences, and desires. You don’t know how you’ll respond to something you haven’t tried yet, so try something small and learn from the experience. Let success and challenges help you shape your next experience.
More important than the specific agreements you reach process where you come to:
- Can you stand up for what’s right for you, even if your conversation partner feels differently?
- Can you be warm and open to your partner, even if what they say is difficult for you?
- Can you be curious about what your partner is thinking, even if you’re a little afraid of what they’re going to say?
These are high-level relationship skills and almost everyone struggles with them. But the more you can practice staying warm and connected during even emotionally charged discussions, the more you’ll invite your partner(s) to bring their best selves to the table. Over time, by responding to each other with warmth and adaptability, you develop relationship agreements that truly last.
