I have mixed feelings about New Year’s resolutions. On the one hand, I’m all for setting goals and going after what you want in life. On the other hand, I see a problem with how many people treat themselves when they change. Many of us make decisions based on a critical and flawed way of seeing ourselves, but even if we set realistic goals for the important things we want to change, we tend to beat ourselves up the moment we face failure or make a mistake.
The problem with this attitude toward ourselves is not only that the experience is painful, but that it actually interferes with our ability to make and sustain the changes we want. So how can we adopt a new strategy for this new year that will help us achieve our goals? Here are some effective scientific tips that can guide us on the path of personal development.
- Assess your readiness
Dr. John Norcrosspsychologist and author Change: 5 Steps to Self-Realization Objectives and Resolutionsstates that there are five possible stages we are in in terms of change and our actions should reflect the stage we are in. Jump too soon and we might be setting ourselves up for failure. From 30 years of intensive research, Norcross came to the conclusion that what works when change happens. The five stages he describes are premeditation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.
In premeditation At times, we may feel pressured to change, but the things we specifically want to change may not be entirely clear to us, and we may even be resistant to changing our behavior. Norcross suggests that people who are in a predicament probably shouldn’t try to act.
If we thinkingwe may begin to consciously consider the changes we want to make, but we probably feel very hesitant. We may lack confidence or certainty. Norcross says it’s a good time to weigh the pros and cons of the change. We can start by taking small steps, with early preparation or “tooling” that we need along the way.
If we preparationwe are almost ready to take action. We’re setting the stage with tasks like raising our energy levels, making sure we have time for the things we need to do, assembling a support system, setting dates and goals, and talking to others about our intentions.
As it sounds, action the stage is when we start taking the actions we set out to make a change. When we’re on the road, we can move on maintenance. While many people consider this to be the most difficult stage of change, having been attuned and sensitive to going through the first four steps, we are likely to feel stronger and more resilient in this fifth and final stage.
Identifying the stage of our preparation can help us break the cycle of one step forward, two steps back, which often discourages us from reaching our goals. To help with this, the Norcross website even offers assessment to determine if we are ready for change.
- Keep your critical inner voice
One of the reasons we struggle with every step we take toward our goals is that we all have an inner critic that puts up barriers between where we are and where we want to be. Like a cruel coach, this voice in our head serves to demoralize, belittle, and belittle us, and it gets louder when we try to make changes.
For example, if our goal is to become healthier by exercising more, the critical inner voice may feed us thoughts that at first seem friendly, such as:
- Just get some more sleep. You can’t run today. You need your rest.
- Wouldn’t it be nice to go straight home instead of going to the gym? It was a hard day.
- You did well yesterday. Take it easy and start again tomorrow.
The problem is, once we’ve accepted its advice, our inner critic’s tone quickly changes:
- You are very lazy. I told you you would fail at this.
- You never follow through with anything. You look terrible. Just surrender.
- You thought you were doing well? You are fooling yourself!
If we want to empower ourselves to change, we must fight this internal enemy. Here are some steps to confront our critical inner voice.
- Determine: Notice when “voices” enter your thought process. Often, right before we feel bad or down, a little voice in our head sends us a message. This voice can be abusive and downright offensive: “Ugh, you sound like an idiot. Just shut up.” It can be subtle or self-protective: “Are you sure you want to ask your boss in this meeting? You might embarrass yourself.” It may even seem reassuring: “Just have another drink. You deserve to feel good.” Each of these voices leads us down a path of self-limiting or self-defeating actions that interfere with our true goals.
- Write them down: As an exercise, write your critical inner voices in the second person as a “you” statement. (ie “Youthey are so stupid. There is no solution you he can do it.” as opposed to “I I am very stupid. There is no solution I This can help us separate our inner critic from our true self. Try to notice each time you make your “voices” and practice recording them, whether on your phone, computer, or in a notebook.
- Answer: Next to each “critical inner voice” you listed, write a more compassionate and realistic response. Think about what you would say to a friend who said the same thing about themselves. This time write in the first person as an “I” statement. (ie “I’m not stupid. I challenge myself to learn new things and work hard to achieve goals. It takes me a while to figure out some things, but I’m persistent and totally capable of doing it.”) The purpose of this exercise is not to improve ourselves, but to have some compassion and believe in our true abilities.
When we first make a change, we should fully expect that critical inner voice to become louder. This is part of why change is harder to sustain than it was in the first place. However, one of the most powerful tools we keep in our toolbox is our determination to constantly fight our inner critical voice.
- Practice self-compassion
We all want to have healthy self-esteem, but perhaps a better goal is to embrace more self-awareness. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on evaluating yourself or comparing yourself to others. In her extensive research on this topic, Dr. Christine Neff has found that empathy can help us make the changes that matter to us. It is associated with “greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, caring relational behaviors, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.” In addition, as Neff concluded based on his education:
Compassionate people are more intrinsically motivated in life – they strive because they want to learn and grow, not because they need to impress themselves or others. Compassionate people are more likely to take responsibility for their past mistakes, while acknowledging them with more emotion. Research also shows that compassion helps people adopt healthier behaviors, such as sticking to weight loss goals, exercising, quitting smoking, and seeking medical help when needed.
So what does it mean to be more compassionate? First, we must refrain from judging. This means developing a gentle and compassionate attitude toward ourselves and everything we experience, rather than judging and criticizing. In other words, we think of ourselves as we think of a friend. When we do this, we are more likely to cling to things and push ourselves even harder.
The next element of self-compassion is mindfulness, as opposed to over-identification. This means allowing our negative thoughts and feelings to not attach too strongly to them or judge ourselves too harshly. We can be curious about our thoughts and reactions without letting them overwhelm and overwhelm us. This practice is especially helpful when we are making changes, because confronting an old sense of identity can trigger our critical inner voices or bring up deep emotions from our past. By paying attention to whatever arises within us, we can be like a mountain in a storm and allow it to pass without its course.
The last element of empathy is accepting our common humanity as opposed to feeling separate and different. This relationship involves seeing ourselves and our struggles as part of a shared human experience. Everyone experiences pain and hardship. We are not alone. We can lean on others and extend ourselves to them. We can let go of any attitude of self-pity or victimhood, as well as expectations of grandeur, because we are a worthy human being, just like any other worthy human being. Adopting this belief can relieve us of unrealistic stress as we continue on our path and give us the strength to realize that the challenges we face are just part of being who we are.
What we can take away from the research is that change involves a degree of preparation, but when we’re in the thick of it, what we really need is a strong combination of empathy and compassion. We need to be strong and firm in standing up to our inner critical voice, but we need to be gentle and kind in dealing with ourselves and all the setbacks we face. So whether or not we set a New Year’s resolution this year, whatever that resolution is and whatever stage we’re in, we can all benefit from confronting our inner critic and being more compassionate.
This post was originally published on December 31, 2018 and has been updated to reflect new insights.
