At its best, friendship provides a number of positive benefits, such as companionship, stress reduction and emotional support. But they can also have a dark side – manifested by manipulation, exclusion and extreme pressure.
The cost of having a toxic friend is really high. These relationships can cause confusion, blameand self-blame, leading to poor academic and professional performance, social withdrawal, and an unstable sense of self.
But what is it really like to be toxic? friendship? This was the central question of the research of researchers Mohammad Arifin and Andi Muspida. They say that breaking up with toxic friends is not an easy task. Under aggression can be difficult to identify and often is unconscious pressure to stay in it. But, the authors argue, if you know what to do, you have a better chance of stopping before it causes lasting damage.
To this end, the colleagues began their study by recruiting undergraduate students who had experienced or were currently in toxic friendships. Participants were between 19 and 24 years of age and experienced anxiety, manipulation or peer pressure in their social circles. In the final round there were eight participants (five women and three men). The researchers conducted face-to-face and in-depth interviews, which were then analyzed for themes.
The participants’ narratives contained three general themes, which are summarized below.
1. Emotional exhaustion
Toxic friendships left participants permanently emotionally drained, especially if they were long-term. They described these relationships as manipulative, passive-aggressiveexclusive and full of peer pressure.
The weight of this dark dynamic causes cycles anxiety and self-confidence. One participant noted, “I knew he wasn’t treating me right, but I thought maybe I was the problem. I didn’t want to lose my place in the group, so I kept quiet.”
Analyzes also showed that participants’ emotional exhaustion increased over time, leading to academic and social withdrawal and even mental health crises.
2. Implementation of affiliation
This theme involves the paradoxical experience of being “visible but invisible”. Respondents stayed in their toxic friendships because they feared becoming socially invisible. They saw belonging to a harmful peer group as a better option than social isolation. One interviewee shared: “I felt like a background character in my own life. They only noticed me when they needed someone to pick on, but I still clung to the idea that at least I belonged somewhere.”
3. Moments of agency and emotional detachment
Despite the emotional weight, some interviewees reported moments of deep reflection and gradual separation from toxic friends. These places of increasing clarity grow out of it burn or validating a toxic person in their life. One participant shared, “When someone from another class said, ‘You’re really kind,’ it really touched me. I learned that I don’t need to be treated badly.”
The key to rebuilding their sense of self, participants felt, was recognizing their worth and value.
Arafin and Muspida conclude their research by highlighting why toxic relationships can be so stubbornly entrenched: the internal conflict between the desire to belong and the costs of staying in a harmful relationship.
