When we fall for someone, our immediate thoughts don’t always come true. For many, love begins as a whirlwind period where love, chemistry and excitement overwhelm almost everything else. We focus on how well we feel about our partner, not necessarily on whether or not our relationship with them can actually withstand the realities of life.
But in the grand scheme of adulthood, persistence is what ultimately reigns supreme. Most people imagine a future in which they have built some sort of stability. And if you hope to one day associate with someone who treats you the same way care and commitment you offer them, passion alone is not enough to guarantee that future.
Here are two of the clearest signs your partner is long-term material.
1. Your partner shares your goals and values
A partner who has the same goals and values you every bit as much as someone who is successful, charming or physically attractive – if not more so. That’s because deep compatibility creates a sense of emotional security that things like passion and chemistry can’t.
Surface-level similarities (eg, liking the same music, hobbies, TV shows, etc.) can be quite helpful. But they can still only relate. For the vast majority of couples, longevity is determined by whether or not they are compatible with the major structural issues of life: children, finances, religion, care roles, career priorities, where to live and ultimately what kind of future they want.
When two people agree on these larger issues, compromise becomes easier. The sacrifices are not painful because both people are ultimately moving towards the same destination. But when their main goals conflict, they regularly feel dissatisfied or find arguments that can never be resolved.
In a 2023 education published Personality and individual differencesresearchers have found that certain personality patterns and similar values are associated with greater relationship satisfaction dating couples Specifically, the traits associated with them emotional stability, conscience and consent — as well as shared “self-motivation” values such as caring, compassion, and concern for others — were consistent predictors of satisfaction.
In other words, compatibility is a matter of whether or not your way of life is fundamentally compatible with your partner’s way of life.
Imagine a relationship where both partners are committed to geographic stability, maintaining close family ties, and raising their children together. When career opportunities arise, their discussions can still be difficult, but their overall harmony ultimately makes the compromise feel worth it. Their decisions feel collaborative, not adversarial.
Now compare this to a spouse who is a partner dreams one a life of travel and adventure while the other yearns for roots and closeness to family. Neither person is necessarily wrong, but their relationship together will be a constant negotiation between two incompatible futures—worse, neither of them has the chance to be truly happy if they stay together.
The most useful method is payment attention including four areas:
- Your vision for the future (eg marriagemoving, having children, etc.)
- Your dealings (e.g. political, spiritualitysocial, family, etc.)
- Your money preferences (eg expectations for saving, spending, etc.)
- you expectations of care (for example, children, each other, elderly relatives, etc.)
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A healthy long-term relationship can only be achieved between two partners who have compatible trajectories. They don’t have to be the same, but they should be possible without taking one from the other.
2. Your partner accepts your repair efforts
No matter how compatible two people are, conflict is inevitable. The real question is whether the relationship knows how to recover from it. This is why well-known relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman believes that one of the strongest indicators of long-term relationship stability is “restorative acceptance”: the partner’s willingness to accept efforts to de-escalate the conflict, as opposed to continuing to attack, giving up, or trying to “win” the fight.
These repair efforts are usually modest, but they still play an integral role in whether a conflict leads to positive change. They include:
- “I’m sorry. Let me try to put it another way.”
- “Okay, we’re getting hot. Can we stop?”
- Reaching for your partner’s hand during an argument
- Soft break humor to reduce tension
- He said: “I understand why you are upset.”
- Follow up after cooling
Gottman 2015 studypublished in the newspaper Family magazine Psychotherapy, found that effective repair efforts are important in mitigating negativity feelings and establishing a positive emotional connection during conflict.
Interestingly, he found that the most effective repairs are usually emotional rather than logical. This meant that tools such as shared humor, affection, empathy, partial responsibility, and reassuring statements such as “we’re fine” were the most powerful in helping couples reconnect. Notably, he also found that “preemptive” repairs (ie, pre-conflict efforts before tensions have fully erupted) were particularly effective.
When conflict in a relationship goes unresolved, it begins to spill over beyond the conflict itself. One partner always apologizes and extends olive branches; the other gives the cold shoulder or acts bitter until they are “over it.” When this becomes the norm after every conflict, disagreements feel like legitimate threats to your life.
If your partner is adept at initiating or accepting repair efforts, discussions usually end with statements like:
- “Okay, let’s start over.”
- “I can hear you.”
- “I’m still upset, but I don’t want us to fight like this.”
- “Let’s talk later when we’ve both calmed down.”
In contrast, a rejected repair looks or sounds more like:
- Sarcasm
- Eye drawing
- Increase criticism
- Silent treatment
- A mocking apology
- Refusal to engage
Pay attention to whether or not your partner embodies this trait the next time you and they have a mild disagreement. Try to suggest small adjustments (for example, soften your tone, ask for forgivenessask to stop, attempt humor, etc.) and watch your partner accept or punish. In a truly healthy relationship, de-escalation is an essential part of conflict because both partners recognize the importance of maintaining a safe base.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
