First of all, any advice on this matter should come with a warning label that says “not guaranteed to work”. These tips can help, and they usually do, but there’s such an inevitable emotional upheaval that comes with the territory of a broken relationship that there’s no right way to manage it.
In attachment intimacy captures us like nothing else. And it’s important to understand that your partner may feel like the anchor of life has slipped away from them and that the ship will never right again.
With that in mind, here are some tips to increase your chances of success. Everything on this list applies to men and women, whether they’re gay, straight, or non-binary.
1. In most relationships, no one wants to be the bad guy who did it. But you have to resist the tendency to engineer a breakup and make your partner so miserable that they finally want to break up with you—only because you’re not responsible for the decision. This behavior is cowardly and simply cruel.
2. Be direct instead. Don’t let you fear or conflict avoidance leads you to say things like, “Well, maybe we should take a break because I’m so busy,” when what you really want to say is, “It’s not easy, but I’ve really decided that this relationship isn’t going to work for me.” You have to trust that the other person is a big girl or a big boy and they can handle the truth.
3. But be respectful, which means no one should be cooler or meaner than you. You don’t have to list all of the other person’s personal faults, even if that means being really “honest.” This kind of honesty is overrated. The only honesty you owe them is to be clear about where you stand and what they expect from you.
4. Don’t use George Costanza’s line from Seinfeld: “It’s not you, it’s me.” Many people have seen this episode and hearing it will feel manipulative and offensive.
5. Everything you say or do should be guided by the belief that one way or another, at some point, your partner will be able to handle it. Avoiding conflict with yourself: Avoiding conflict directly or indirectly communicates that you do not trust your partner’s ego strength. This is not respect.
6. Be clear about what you hope for after the breakup. If you really want to try and stay friends, tell them – but if it’s just a line and you don’t mean it, don’t fake it. It’s disrespectful and you’ll regret it later.
7. If your ex remains “stuck” after the breakup, be firm and respectful. The worst mistake you can make in these situations is to have more and more contact and hope that this will make your ex feel better. Most of the time, it just feeds fantasy to restore relations. Maybe you just need to tell your ex that you want them to stop calling or texting you because you don’t think it’s healthy for either of you. But do it without angerguilt or contempt. This is difficult.
8. In the rare cases where this reaches the true level to chase (aka “obsessive behavior”), it’s time to pull out all the stops. Never answer. Get a restraining order. Warn your friends or employer not to allow them to access you or information about you. Call the police if necessary.
With all this, remember the golden rule. And remember that this person you once loved can still really care and you don’t want to hurt him more than is necessary or inevitably comes with the limits of an unwanted breakup. The Golden Rule will guide you on your way decision making about being clear, direct, respectful, caring and firm.
Relationships are important reading
And never forget: karma is a club. So handle it with class and integrity.
