How to find hidden signs of trouble
People often enter therapy when their relationship is in crisis. In my practice, I have worked with many people who came to me who were “blindsided” by their partner. They left together and thought everything was fine when their partner got up and left. It became clear to me that there are subtle dynamics and behaviors operating within these couples that, although often overlooked, indicate that their relationship is in trouble. Unfortunately, if the partners saw them and were able to address them, their relationship could have had a different outcome.
Below are some of these dynamics and suggestions for addressing them. Communication is important in this work. Create a safe space where each of you can freely talk about yourself and your feelings. Make sure you are relaxed and can approach your partner from a friendly place. It’s important to stay in touch with your caring and loving feelings for your partner while talking and listening to each other. By directly looking at the following patterns, you can feel better about yourself and your partner and create a different way to communicate. We went:
Each partner has their own story about their relationship. A person may think “I will sacrifice more”. “I work harder.” “I’m the one who takes care of everything.” And their stories are often contradictory. In one couple I worked with, both partners considered themselves to be the main breadwinners. In another, each is identified as a foster parent. A person’s perception of themselves and their partner and what each brings to the relationship can be very different. They can live in two very different realities while sharing the same life.
By adulthood, people have usually developed a way of understanding life and the world they live in. This mindset is formed during childhood as a combination of their emotional makeup and mental image and is influenced and reinforced by life experiences. As a result, each person is unique in how they emotionally relate to and interact with others.
It’s helpful to try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes to understand where they’re coming from and what they’re going through. This requires putting aside your personal thoughts and reactions and adopting an attitude of genuine interest and curiosity towards them. This means making assumptions about their motivations and feelings, rather than actually asking and then listening to what they reveal to you about their thoughts and perspectives, their feelings and reactions, and their expectations and intentions.
Each Partner believes they are doing a noble job by not “making waves” and suffering in silence. They imagine that they are suppressing their displeasure and quietly creating the best of disappointing relationships. But their misfortune is known Core anger and resentment as tension and hostility in everyday behavior and communication. There is never an unhappy partner in a relationship; if one partner is unhappy, so is the other.
The main indicator that there are problems is when a couple never disagrees. If there is no disagreement, then no one is honest. It is impossible for two people to think alike and see eye to eye on everything. Because of this, you should be prepared to have uncomfortable conversations. Each of you should talk about what you want and what you don’t like. Each of you should be honest about your anger.
The truth is that there are ways in which you are different. As your communication becomes more open, you will have disagreements. This is a sign of the health of two honest people. And through this process, you will rediscover your own identity and appreciate your partner as well.
Each Partner feels like a victim in the relationship. Suffering and suffering in silence leads to victimhood. This is not to say that a person’s unhappiness is not valid or legitimate, but the failure to remain silent in the face of complaints can make him feel like a victim of his circumstances. It’s easy to get caught up in feelings of superiority or underappreciation. They may even see their abnormal behavior as noble or admirable, when in reality, they are hurting themselves and their relationships by taking a powerless position.
A true partnership requires two independent individuals. If one of the partners is submissive, dominant, childish or parental, the imbalance will destroy the relationship. No one is a victim in their life because they have the ability to make choices as adults. These choices may be difficult, but they are choices nonetheless. Choosing to communicate honestly with how you and your partner feel can challenge the ways you’ve felt victimized in your relationship.
Sharing life with another person will be difficult at times, but it can also be one of the most rewarding endeavors you can make. Developing empathy for yourself, your partner, and each of your unique worldviews, being open about what you want and hope for, and rejecting behaviors that make you feel like a victim are tools that can help your relationship grow.
What you see differently, including things you want always looking at it differently is not the death knell for your relationship, but can be a springboard for interesting conversations, compromises, and collaborations. In this environment, situations that once caused resentment can be met with a kind banter, a little gentleness, a little grace. It also allows for the potential for true intimacy—to truly know your partner and be known by them. And you don’t have to be blind because of the honesty between you.
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