My father just celebrated his 97th birthday and I have been thinking about his role as a parent for the rest of my life. I have also been studying relationship psychology for over 50 years (dating back to my research as a student). I thought I would list some of the essential elements of goodness parentsas described by my father (and mother) and supported by research.
Here are the lessons.
The power of positive expectations
The well-researched Pygmalion effect (and the pioneering work of Robert Rosenthal) clearly shows that positive expectations about others actually lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. In short, if you trust someone, expect them to achieve positive results and express it to them, they will be motivated to meet your expectations.
My doctor father always believed that his children would graduate from college, but, as he pointed out, he did not see college for only four years. He also expected us (my sister, brother and I) to have a diploma or professional degree. According to his expectations, we all achieved it.
The Pygmalion effect is important not only in parenting, but also in education leadershipas evidenced by Dov Eden’s work, which has shown that leaders who have positive expectations of followers motivate them to meet those expectations.
Being there: the importance of social support
There is a body of evidence to support that positive social support from others does more than just help alleviate it stressbut can also lead to less anxiety and better welfare in the purpose of this support.
My father always supported his children. Not only was he fortunate enough to be able to provide financial support, but he was always there.
All was not well; can be a bit negative on social media. My father had high standards for himself. He was an excellent student and pushed himself to continue learning and developing throughout his medical career career. As a result, he gets very upset if he thinks we are slowing down. I remember that in the evening he called me “lazy” and said that I don’t have homework. Although it was painful, I think it pushed me to achieve in my adult life and career.
A positive role model
Our home life was normal. We often joked that it looked like one of those family shows from the 1950s or 60s (Ozzie & Harriet, Father Knows Best). For the most part, my parents were positive role models and taught us what it means to be good adults and family members.
Prestigious education
Parenting involves parents providing their children with structure and rules, but also allowing children the freedom to grow (and make mistakes). My parents followed this example of upbringing and thankfully we learned from our mistakes. I believe it made my siblings and I better parents later on.
The Power of Love
Although my parents were not the “hugging type”, there was never any doubt that they loved their children. Especially in these later years of our relationship, it is important that my father and I sign off every phone call with “I love you.”
The importance of giving back
My father believed it was very important to “give back” especially in terms of financial aid for various causes, higher education and community activities. He volunteered monthly as a clinical practice professor in medicine. It clearly hit home for his kids because we understand the importance of volunteering and giving back to our communities.
Happy 97th birthday, father!
