On me career work with adults ADHDI am often asked what they can do to explain ADHD to their loved ones. Here is an excerpt from such a concept.1
There is no fix for ADHD
Treatments for ADHD are among the most effective in the field of behavioral health. Coping strategies will work – if they are used. There will be improvements, but there is no perfect “solution” or “fix” for ADHD. Signs and executive function Variability in circumstances remains even for those who are in treatment and have adequate coping skills and support.
Effectively managing ADHD is difficult, and even when progress is made, slip-ups occur. Slips can be frustrating for those who witness the life of a person with ADHD. The desire for a clear and quick fix, however understandable, will be a source of frustration for you.
ADHD is annoying
Most adults with ADHD first find that their ADHD symptoms are annoying and frustrating. It certainly is for them. They know they affect other people, which is a triple whammy: (1) their symptoms affect you, (2) they can’t explain or undo them, and (3) they can’t promise 100 percent it won’t happen again. They also know that you’ve heard them say “I’m sorry” many times, but since ADHD is a performance problem, it’s sincere. sorry and a genuine desire to do better does not immediately translate into promising change.
If you’re reading this, someone you know with ADHD is taking positive steps. They appreciate your effort and understanding. This makes a huge difference as they do the hard work of change.
ADHD is unusual
Adults need to take responsibility for their actions, but remember that some violations of etiquette and social norms, as well as a number of other ways ADHD can manifest, are essentially voluntary and unexpected.
It’s ADHD, not apathy, laziness, or inattention
When someone with ADHD’s behavior annoys you, it’s easy to attribute their behavior to negative character traits, such as that they don’t care, are lazy, or insensitive (“They knew we were leaving at three; I reminded them, and they were still late”). Individuals with ADHD often make many behavioral mistakes, not because they are late, miss a deadline, or say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but because of their own explanations for their behavior. Instead, remember, “this is ADHD,” express your frustration, and work it out with them. Remember that a person with ADHD probably has more intense inner thoughts than you can imagine.
Offer understanding and support
Having a few people in your life who “get it” makes a huge difference. Such support is a form of patience and tolerance with ADHD-related slips. This does not mean immunity from consequences, but consequences are met with understanding and proportionality. You can encourage adults with ADHD to keep up with therapy appointments, seek out meetings and support groups of ADHD organizations, and learn other self-care and coping skills that will benefit you and your relationship. Approaching ADHD with a good sense of humor can be helpful.
When you see something positive, say so
When you notice and get examples of good fights, like the person with ADHD in your life following through on a promise or being willing to quit on time, tell them. You can also emphasize their positive qualities, like them sense of humor or kindness, which are easily lost in the whirlwind of ADHD issues.
Support the good fight
You don’t have to be the coach or therapist for the person with ADHD in your life. However, there are ways you can support and protect them. Body doubling can be something as simple as running errands or doing chores together, including just getting them to do something. Your support can also come in the form of regular check-in meetings to coordinate the shared household calendar and ensure follow-up on relevant projects at school, work or home, making sure you’re on the same page.
Another useful adjustment is how to share information and plans. You can remember everything you want to do today, dive into your day and get it all done. A person you know with ADHD may be able to complete any task given to them, but they will struggle (and possibly fail) if they rely on their work alone. memory stay on the road. It’s helpful to go through the information in a separate, sequential list (“first this, then that”) with enough detail (“I’m at Best Buy, but I forget what I’m for”). Even with seemingly simple, multi-step tasks, it can require one-time instructions (Thanks, the lawn looks great. Can you turn off the lights next time?”).
Adopt a disabled mindset
It may be difficult to see ADHD this way, but it is very important.2 ADHD can cause significant problems, to the point where it can be significantly disabling and disabling for many, even if it’s not the person with ADHD in your life. The fact that ADHD is a disability is why formal accommodations are guaranteed and legally protected in many educational and work settings. Even in its milder forms, dealing with ADHD can be difficult, devastating, and frustrating. This mindset is reminiscent of what the adults with ADHD in your life may be dealing with.
It’s okay to take care of yourself
Living in a household with a person with ADHD at any age can be very difficult stress. This means that it is important to take care of yourself and your needs.
The person in your life with ADHD will benefit from a special level of attention and grace from you. The frustration and other feelings you are experiencing are valid and understandable, but please know that there are treatments and other resources that can make things better – for both of you.
On behalf of the person in your life with ADHD, thank you.
