Have you ever been in a relationship where you get emotional or say things you don’t mean? Or, have you felt tired after spending time with someone?
There is a concept in psychology that helps explain these experiences and suggests a way to respond differently. It has a name the difference.
What is the difference?
Renowned family therapist, Murray Bowen, described the difference as “the ability to be in emotional contact with others but to be independent in one’s own emotional functioning.”
If you are familiar with the concept of psychology application security, difference is the other side of the same coin. It has many similarities, but also has unique characteristics that help us understand the development of a healthy sense of self and relationships.
The difference is related to ability:
- Feel other people’s feelings without feeling your own, being overwhelmed by them, or feeling responsible for managing them (ie, don’t bother being around others. anxiety).
- Listen to other people’s opinions without taking them for your own or being preoccupied with them (ie, say “I” when others ask for “we”).
- Keep your emotions in check under relationship pressure.
- Respond deliberately instead of reacting automatically.
In fact, the difference is the ability to connect emotionally with others while being grounded in yourself.
The lack of differentiation can fall into two extremes. On the one hand, it refers to the difficulty in separating one’s own thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of others. For example, a person can easily feel pressured by the emotions of others and get caught up in it groupthink and people-pleasing behavior. On the other hand, a person may try to achieve perceived independence through “difference”. to cut. Of course, there are scenarios where pruning is an adaptive solution. However, the difference does not require distance. This means clarity and stability within the relationship.
A visual way to understand the difference
Difference. In couple and family therapyA visual image related to the concept of differentiation that I often use with clients involves fruit. For contrast, we imagine fruit salad. We can still clearly see each type of fruit; yet, they mix and interact with each other to create the desired fruit salad.
Regardless. Now imagine a dessert. The same fruits are so mixed that it is impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins. Alternatively, if you have individual pieces of fruit sitting on the board, they are so far apart that they cannot interact (ie cut).
Among these three scenarios (fruit salad, smoothie and fruit on the counter), the target of our approach is the fruit salad. Fruit in a fruit salad is like the kind of relationship we want for couples and families when it comes to separation—being able to balance separation with connection.
Why differentiation is important in therapy
Differentiation is a lifelong developmental process. In therapy, differentiation offers a powerful framework for understanding:
- Recurring patterns of anxiety and relationship termination.
- How anxiety spreads between communication partners and family members (ie feelings infection).
- Strong emotional responses that are difficult to control and how to increase intentionality in responses.
- Personal values and goals separate from external pressures.
