Yes, gas lighting is real – a truly manipulative tactic that is a buffet of lies, to refuseand changes the wrong direction to reality. It’s also a real fuel-fighting problem. If you don’t really know what the gasliners are doing, you may even question your thoughts, feelings, reality, and even your mind. So it’s really important to understand what gaslighters do as soon as possible and then step on the gas and get away from them.
The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 film gas light, where the husband controlled the gas lights of his and his wife’s house so that they would flicker. But when the woman asked about the flickering, he denied that anything was happening. Over time, this, along with other deceptive tricks, helped drive his wife crazy.
Society is definitely not open to this kind of fuel. Many people use it like this deception to get what they want instead of more legitimate approaches – like, you know, getting something. Let’s look at an episode of gaslighting that I experienced and the symptoms that quickly led me to shed some light on what was going on.
Here is the story. Soon after I organized the initiative, several other people wanted to join and lead it. To be inclusive, I took them for granted as leaders. However, they then approached a funder without my involvement and used the initiative as a selling point to secure funding. Because I wasn’t present at the debates, they were able to decide what the money would be used for rather than allowing me to have equal letters. When I learned about this news, I asked them why I was expelled and what was the decision. What ensued was largely consistent with the 10 signs of gaslighting.
1. Gaslighters are not responsible for their actions.
This issue could have been resolved quickly if they had owned up to what they had done and then promised not to do it again. But instead, they didn’t take responsibility, which is a sign of fuel, even though the email clearly showed discussions without me, which caused a second sign…
2. Gaslighters deny facts and reality.
Yes, it’s hard to dismiss email conversations because they are, after all, in email. However, when I specifically asked about the emails and why I wasn’t on them, they offered no direct explanation. They used vague language to claim that I already knew what was going on (when I really wasn’t) which is the second sign of gaslighting – denial of facts and reality.
3. Gaslighters will bury your comments, questions, and requests.
My question to them is, “Why wasn’t I in these emails?” was very honest and called for a direct response such as “I’m sorry, it was our mistake and it won’t happen again”. But what followed, the third sign of gaslighting, was an avalanche of multi-paragraph Odyssean answers that essentially buried my first question. This made me repeat my brief question of why-I-didn’t-get-in.
4. Gaslighters use the wrong direction by changing the subject.
I never got a clear answer. Instead, I got something like the 1999 movie Magnoliawith the introduction of a series of isolated stories. This is a fourth symptom of gaslighting – using misdirection to change the central theme of what was originally asked.
5. Gaslighters reduce your worries and emotions.
And in the process, they were practicing the fifth sign of gaslighting – minimizing your concerns and feelings instead of listening to you. Classic gaslighter responses to your concerns include statements like, “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re too emotional,” “Don’t overstate it,” or even “You’re crazy.”
Essential reading of Gaslighting
6. Gaslighters blame you and play the victim.
This leads to the sixth sign of gaslighting: the big passage where they twist the facts to make you responsible for their bad behavior and make themselves the victim. The claim was that my questions were somehow delaying what our initiative was supposed to do, you know, the initiative I had started, while they refused to give direct answers.
7. Gaslighters project their behavior onto you.
One of them then approached some select members of the initiative (but not all) and presented only his side of the story, stating that they were more inclusive through resolution. Yes, you got that right: they claimed to be more inclusive after I raised concerns about their lack of inclusiveness in the first place. But this is the seventh gaslighting tactic: projectionthey accuse you of doing things they were guilty of and put you on the defensive.
8. Gaslighters try to tear you apart.
When involving only their friends, instead of a diverse range of members in the initiative, they mainly tried to show the eighth sign of gaslight: they tried to isolate you in one and many ways. My response was to engage all other members in the discussion.
9. Gaslighters try to discredit you.
All of the above creates the ninth sign of gas – an attempt to discredit you. This can be done in a variety of ways, from backroom chats to spreading rumours.
10. Gaslighters try to make you walk on eggshells and second guess yourself.
By that time, the initiative I had started to have everyone work in a friendly and cooperative way had backfired. I found myself having to think carefully about each of my responses in an eggshell way, which is the 10th sign of gaslighting. That’s when the gas “light bulb” went off clearly in my head: Why am I dealing with gas lamps, when I can work with trusted colleagues openly, openly, solving problems, let’s help each other. That’s when I stepped on the gas and got away from what I started in the first place. In fact, I have not regretted this decision.
