Love, like anything you value in your life, requires some protection. Passion and chemistry can certainly help sustain an initial relationship, but they only take you so far; nor is it strong enough by itself to carry love forever.
What determines the health of a relationship over time is how two people behave when things are simple. It depends on what you are dealing with tension, confusion and boredom. According to research, these are two such skills that help partners protect their bond.
1. Communication skills
Almost everyone knows that communication is one of them the most important aspects of a romantic relationship. This is one of those words that is repeated so often that it loses its meaning. But sadly, ask someone what good communication means and they’ll probably struggle to give you an answer.
To be fair, this is the case for most people, as communication is not a skill we are explicitly taught how to hone. Most of us learn it implicitly through trial and error, but without ever really understanding what it takes. But fortunately, psychology researchers have spent decades conceptualizing “good communication.”
Although there is no perfect guide, there is at least a general consensus on certain elements that contribute to it. A Review of 2018 published in African Journal of Psychology synthesized findings on marital communication and identified several forms of consistent communication that were closely related to high relationship satisfaction.
Finally, the authors outline five basic forms of communication. And for couples who consistently have trouble “talking things out,” the absence of at least one of the five patterns below (if not more) is usually to blame:
- Daily communication activity. This includes casual conversation, small talk, light checks, and regular verbal and non-verbal signs of affection. These conversations may not be life-changing, but they are important for building a sense of intimacy.
- Positive exchange. This applies to any exchange where both partners successfully maintain a tone of respect and dignity cooperationthat both people feel as creators. It can be just about anything, whether it’s a difficult topic or a decision about dinner.
- Effective conflict management. The authors particularly noted the ability to step back and reset during heated conversations (instead of escalating), using “we” language instead of framing issues as me-versus-you, and using structured turn-taking approaches where one person speaks and the other listens before responding.
- I- statement. For example, it can be said that “I when…” instead of “feel the motion”You always…” or, “You never…” This skill is vital because it makes it easier for both partners to engage in difficult conversations without feeling like they need to back down or attack back.
- Explanations. Refers to any form of communication that helps partners understand each other. It may sound as simple as checking: “Did you mean this?” or reflect on what your partner heard to make sure they are representing themselves correctly.
If one of these elements is absent in everyday life, it is difficult to claim strong communication in a relationship. No one is exempt from practicing them – not new couples, not couples who have been together for decades. If anything, long-term relationships require more communication than new ones to function properly, not less.
2. Active listening skills
Being able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner is only half the battle. The other half is when your partner speaks and you are responsible for accepting what they say. Here’s another skill that most people take for granted: active listening.
Most of us have never been explicitly taught how to listen well; we only get corrected when we don’t. That’s because listening is an underrated skill, especially when it’s done well.
Bad listening is easy to spot: the listener interrupts, interrupts, changes the subject too quickly, or responds in a way that is dismissive. But when someone listens well, it often goes without comment – because, if anything, that’s the point of listening well. should not be visible.
Fortunately, decades of psychological research have also helped clarify what “good listening” actually means. According to A 2014 study from International Journal of HearingActive listening is defined as “the process of receiving, constructing meaning, and responding to verbal and/or nonverbal messages.” The most important part of this definition is that listening is conceptualized as an active effort rather than just passive listening.
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The authors of the study further divide this process into three separate but equally basic components:
- Showing visible engagement when the other person is speaking. This can include any small signal that indicates that you are paying attention to your partner, such as waving, maintaining eye contact, or short verbal cues. These behaviors may seem trivial, but they are very useful in communicating your presence. Without this gesture, your partner is just hoping that you are engaged.
- Save the instant sentence, then the statement. This includes reflecting what you heard in your own words. This might sound like, “So what I’m hearing is…” or any other statement that really shows your personal understanding of what your partner said. You don’t have to agree with what is being said as long as your partner feels that you have a clear understanding of the matter. This will ensure that both of you are on the same page before moving forward with the conversation.
- Interesting questions. This third and final step helps your partner expand on what they’re saying and also shows that you’re really interested in what they’ve told you. It should not be a survey style question. Soft prompts work best for clarification, such as “How was it?” or “Tell me more”. The key is that you want to learn from the conversation.
What makes active listening so valuable in a relationship, apart from allowing partners to stay close and avoid unnecessary arguments, is that it creates a sense of psychological safety. If you believe that your partner is really listening and taking in what you have to say, they are less likely to fear speaking your mind is important for creating a safe space, but extremely rare.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
