Most people think that overthinking is about thinking too much. They are not wrong in this opinion, but they are not completely right. It’s really about thinking too much – when they’re alone. When you are alone, your brain has no external reference point. Being alone offers you no reality check, no need to regulate yourself emotionally, and no distraction from your wandering thoughts.
So these rings are in many directions. Here are some of the top mental tsunamis that spiral through our minds: “What if I screw this up?” Or, “What if they don’t respect me anymore?” Or, “What if it goes bad?” And you know the unfair mental deal from here, right? Without interrupting these thoughts, they are likely to intensify. Welcome to the world of your mind. This term, “overthinking” is not “fluff”; it’s a serious problem for all of us, and it’s based on neuroscience.
Now let’s look at three ways that being around people, what I often call a “social buffer” in social psychology terms, can help you get rid of too many thoughts.
1. Mental loops are high, but seeing other people breaks the loop
We all know that when you’re caught in one of those mental loops, trying to think your way out is like trying to frantically swim out of quicksand—the only place you’re going is down. “Why”, you may ask? Because your brain is already sensitive to threat in an active state. More thinking just adds more fuel. But when you’re around other people, especially when they’re relatively quiet, it does something that’s hard to do when you’re alone. It stops the crazy thought cycle. Maybe the conversation will change you attentionor a relaxed vibe from others setting you up nervous system.
That’s why I often go through shopping malls. The masses of people I see, through social buffering, help me escape from difficult thoughts, as reflected in Henry David Thoreau’s quote: “The mass of men live in quiet despair.” By the way, editing this quote to be more inclusive: Women and anyone who has an alternative sex-identification of inclinations all fall into the trap of overthinking.
2. Being alone makes problems feel bigger and being around others makes them seem smaller.
Overthinking likes to magnify our small issues and turn them into catastrophic scenarios or even impending disasters. But in the presence of others something changes. Connecting with others, even if it’s just in the presence of others, which is again a social buffer, makes our problems feel less overwhelming.
This is how being around others broadens our perspective. Think about it this way: When you break up, you your talk “That’s all” rules. However, when you are around others and feel a sense of connection with these other people in your visual field, you begin to think about your problem, “Yes, this is a struggle for me, but this is all I have to end.” Basically, seeing people think about you reminds you that your twisted thoughts aren’t hard truths or even guilty verdicts; you realize that you are not alone in the struggle we call being human.
3. Overthinking thrives on inactivity, but being around others is “work.”
Overthinking breeds hesitation, second-guessing, and mental stagnation. As I describe in my book, Free your child from overthinking we need to be thought coaches and guide our children (ages 4 to 44) to engage in the outside world so they can escape these crazy inner thought loops. Connection disrupts our thought loops because the very nature of being around others brings us back into a state of engagement.
In my work with clients and in my book I describe PHOTO model P is for pause (eg, slow, gentle breathing). A is to admit (“Hey, I’m thinking too much right now”). C is for having, which means “I don’t have to deal with all of this right now.” And E reflects engagement, which means taking steps to move forward, even if it’s a little uncomfortable. So if you see me walking around your local mall, know that I am a social buffer and PHOTO– to get rid of a lot of thoughts.
