The holidays are sprinkled with promises of “glow” and “happiness.” It’s a universal time for millions of people, and I’d argue that this sense of connection is a big part of what makes the season so magical. However, for many people, the winter months don’t always live up to their cozy reputation. Over the years, studies and surveys show that people are feeling more and more stressed and lonely. For example, in 2025 AARP to read40% of adults over 45 report feeling lonely. Major stressors of the holidays include grieving the loss or loss of a loved one and giving holiday gifts.
Many people cannot go home to see their loved ones. Others are surrounded by a flock of relatives and still feel a sense of isolation. No matter what your situation is, these months do NOT feel lonely. Going home can bring up feelings that we have swept under the rug or are not even aware of. We often return to settings where many complex memories have occurred. Some may be happy, but others are painful.
Many children feel lonely or alienated during their developmental stages. In many homes, children are seen by their parents or early caregivers as good, bad, fast, slow, difficult, troublesome, disappointing, or too great. These labels and expectations can harm us in conscious and unconscious ways throughout our development. When we return to those childhood environments or around the people we grew up with, we sometimes feel like children again inside, re-experiencing old emotions, or just not feeling like ourselves. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this phenomenon “getting lost in familiar places.” This vulnerability is all the more reason to practice compassion and beware of the old, harmful ways we may think about ourselves. With that in mind, here are some strategies that can help you get through the end of the year and into the next year.
- Stop expecting perfection
Many of us tend to have an image in our head of what the ideal holiday looks like. We expect it to be as perfectly polished as the glittering decorations that surround us. Crazy construction naturally leaves us with a certain amount of frustration. This is especially noticeable in children. After Thanksgiving, my cousins admitted to me that they were actually feeling a little down after our family’s annual celebrations. Thanksgiving is a big deal in our house. We dress up and what kind of wedding or gala our big family celebrates. The whole day brings a lot of happiness, but most of it is in the preparation: cooking together, setting the tables, the big tent in our yard. After that, the children felt that the evening itself passed too quickly. No matter how great everything turned out, it didn’t quite match the excitement they were feeling.
It’s a feeling many people have about everything from gifts to relationships with family members. “Maybe the old wounds will finally heal and we will feel only warmth and love.” We have the illusion that everything is going to be easy, which only makes us sadder when there are bumps in the road. Try to enjoy the little things without getting too attached to things you can’t control or the life you’ve created for yourself right now.
- Stop judging
The end of the year is usually a time for reflection. We can feel the natural grief that comes with both our losses and our gains. However, there is a fine line between self-esteem and self-esteem. It’s one thing to look back on our year with curiosity and anticipation for any changes to come. It’s one thing to beat ourselves up over our shortcomings and treat ourselves like a cold critic reviewing a performance.
With so many social gatherings, it’s easy to compare ourselves to others:
Everyone is in a relationship. Why are you still single? This is so humiliating!
See how successful he is. You will never have an important career.
She is very together. You are such a mess.
You don’t fit in anywhere. You are just different.
These “critical inner voices” form an ongoing dialogue that reinforces the underlying belief that we are not good enough. This inner critic makes us feel worthless and inferior to others in a negative sense. It encourages us to be alone, then condemns us for being alone. It contributes to our loneliness, constantly reminding us that we are unworthy of the life we want and alienating us from those who care for us.
Get to know this inner critic, because the more we separate our true self from its destructive perspective, the better off we will be. Since this inner critic was formed early in life based on the way we saw ourselves in our family, expect it to be a little louder when we delve into our past settings. Be steadfast in your mission to ignore this cruel mentor and ignore its dire advice. Remember that this is not a representation of who you really are and will only work to destroy you.
- Spend time with your chosen family
During the holidays, you might force yourself to spend time with some people who don’t make you feel so good. Whether you choose to do it or not, it’s worth taking some time to be with the family you choose. It could be an intimate group of friends, your children, your partner, or someone who makes you feel good and more in touch with yourself. Make time for people, places and activities that make you more like you, people who make you laugh, think or feel things that mean something to you.
- Volunteer
If you’re feeling distant or isolated from people you care about, look for scenes where you have something in common, even with complete strangers. Volunteering is one of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re feeling down. It forces you to think outside of yourself and share the project with others. Think of a cause that is important to you and make time to get involved. Generosity is a natural way for us to feel good about ourselves. Additionally, being part of a team instantly creates a sense of camaraderie over a shared concern.
- Stay in the moment, even when it makes you sad
Sometimes, it takes being in a room full of people to make us feel alone. No matter how many people we pile into the car to take with us to the party, each of us is our own unique individual who lives and breathes independently. We all have moments where we feel a deep sense of loneliness. When we think about our existence, we can expect it to move us. The sense of time passing that can come at the end of the year is always an exciting experience.
Not every moment will be filled with joy, and even those that are joyful may carry with them a certain amount of life’s precious sensitivity. The new year reminds us of the past years. It shines a light on the faces of those we have lost. It tells us that we are older, perhaps wiser, and more aware that time is not something we can control. We should not be overwhelmed by this feeling. We are better off letting ourselves feel whatever we feel. Depression can come in waves, and when it passes, we are often left with a sense of peace and life. When we try to absorb it, we also awaken ourselves to the many pleasures that life brings.
Often we distract ourselves from these deeper feelings by occupying our minds with worries or critical inner voices. When a negative thought starts flying like a balloon that has been let go, try not to get carried away with it. Gently bring yourself back to the moment. Then shift your focus outward. Think about what you can offer; it gets you out of your head.
Staying in the moment doesn’t free us from any feelings of sadness or loneliness, but it does make us more patient and compassionate. It helps us make sense of everything that happens in our lives. If we feel that our inner critic is pulling us into self-destructive behavior, we can shift our focus back to what is important to us. We can take actions that reconnect us with our experiences and the people around us. We can open our eyes to the possibilities and consciously create a celebration that will mean something to us.
