I get it, you’re looking at the title of this post and you’re probably saying, “Yeah, right, how can five words have such a big impact on people’s lives? But here’s my answer: As a psychologist with over 35 years of experience, I’ve seen that one invisible sentence that runs through people’s minds every day can ruin lives.
This phrase often whispers not-so-sweet words to us, but when it gets too loud (ie a panic attack), it can be very disruptive to our lives. In fact, this difficult 5-word thought, while often calm, is very persistent and even when it does not require us to attentionit can be just as destructive as when we experience panic.
So, are you curious about these five harmful words? The thought is: “What if it goes bad?” At first glance, you might think, “So everyone gets this idea.” This is true. But when that five-word phrase becomes your default mental filter, it can ruin your life.
How do these 5 words appear?
Clients have reported to me that they are “surprised” when asked to lead meetings at work. I’ve had clients afraid to tell their intimate partners about their real inner struggles. I have often helped children and teenagers who hesitate or become stagnant when asking for something new. And I have convinced many others about the fear of setting a on me the borderor a step forward that is once again given that dreaded thought: “What if it gets worse?” In English, these five words prevent us from growing and enriching our lives. They prevent us from reaping the benefits of trial and error, which is what life is all about.
When we encounter this fivefold thought, hesitancy, hesitation, suspicion, and escapism rear their ugly heads. You fall behind or procrastinate, all caused by overthinking. The result is regret over missed opportunities. Over time, this thought affects not only isolated moments. It often becomes a pattern. I have seen this play out in older children whose lives are more about action than action. They imagine catastrophic consequences more than the realities of their life experience.
So, to silence that destructive thought, I have a 5-word saner phrase for you. Think about these next five words that your inner defense attorney would say to that evil prosecutor in your mind that says, “What if this goes bad?” Here’s what your inner lawyer has to say.
I can handle what happens
Can you spot the difference? “What if it goes bad?” – which we discussed above is about control: trying to predict and prevent discomfort. All this comes from our ardent striving for certainty. The problem is that certainty doesn’t really exist. So you are stuck, waiting, analyzing and guessing when trying to “know for sure” what is not known.
The next five words, the best way to approach a problem are: “I can handle what happens.” This empowering phrase is all about ability. It’s about trusting your ability to deal with whatever comes your way. This subtle change is everything. That’s because when you switch to “I can handle what happens,” your goal becomes participation. You move forward not because you believe things will work out, but because you believe in yourself to deal with it if they don’t. The point here is that it is real confidence not from risk elimination, but from construction stability.
Our children benefit greatly from learning this shift early
In my book, Free your child from overthinkingI’ll explain a simple framework (PACE) that helps children and adults stop, name what’s going on in their mind, and take a small, courageous step forward. As I remind all of my clients (and myself every day), it’s not about getting rid of disturbing thoughts, it’s about changing our relationship with them.
Let’s all remember that most growth happens when we act before we are ready. So the next time the five word thoughts pop up – “What if it goes bad?” – do not try to eliminate them. Instead, say, “Maybe. And I can do that.”
