Are all stepparents the same? Are all stepparent relationships the same?
A few years ago, we asked 49 young adult stepchildren to tell us about their relationships with their parents—what the relationship was like when they met, and whether the relationship changed over time. In this study, we found that parents and stepchildren have different relationships. We found six distinct patterns of stepparent relationships. Here they are.
1. Acceptance of parents
Most of the stepchildren who had stepparents is accepted as a parent were infants or toddlers when their parents repartnered. For these stepchildren, stepparents were always in their lives, and it was normal for them to have three parental figures (mother, father and stepfather).
Almost all of these relationships were described as close, but as with their parents, stepchildren sometimes clashed with their stepparents as they grew up. Adolescence It was often rough because they wanted more freedom, and parents pushed back. However, these relationships were strengthened through years of receiving love, care and support when the stepchildren were teenagers.
In some families where the stepchildren accepted the stepparent as a parental figure, the stepparent lived all or most of the time with the stepchild and became the primary parental figure, while the non-traditional parent was relegated to a back-up status. These children had little contact with non-traditional parents and their daily responsibilities care and parents At home, he fell into the hands of step-parents and parents.
In other families, both parents and step-parents were engaged in raising children. Parents had a good relationship with each other and helped step-parents in raising children. These stepchildren had three or four parental figures and never felt forced to choose between family or parent. Adoptive parents were seen as additional parents, not substitutes.
2. Like from the beginning
It was the second example I liked it from the beginning. Stepchildren who have loved their parents since the beginning were in elementary or middle school when they met. Both residential and non-residential parents were included in this sample.
Stepchildren rated these relationships as excellent or good. These bonds develop quickly, usually based on mutual interests. Stepchildren thought that their stepparents were initially interested in spending time with them and trying to build friendships rather than being a parental figure. These stepchildren appreciated this approach.
3. Acceptance with hesitation
In the example, accept with hesitation stepchildren considered their parents well, but did not feel strongly about them. These stepchildren often felt that they had little in common with their stepparents. These parents and stepchildren slowly reached a level of closeness that was balanced enough for both of them to be comfortable. The stepchildren controlled how quickly the relationship developed and how close it became.
These stepchildren were from school age to young adults when they met their parents. Most of them were illegitimate parents. Another factor in this bidirectional relationship was how well the parents got along—when the parents had a strained relationship, the children often felt that they should not be close to the stepparents. As a result, they were few motivation to get close to the step-parents, even though they liked them enough.
4. Changing trajectories
In changing trajectoriesstepchildren (all stepdaughters), after months or years of being together, the quality of their relationship with their stepparents changed dramatically. All but one disliked their stepparents until they decided to have a closer relationship with them. The quality of the relationship changed when stepchildren realized how stepparents benefited them, the parent, or the entire family. In a lonely exception, the stepmother constantly rejected her stepdaughter friendship– constructive efforts, and thus the changed trajectory went from approval to rejection.
Essential Readings in Family Dynamics
Changes in stepchildren’s motivation to bond were not caused by one event. Instead, these stepchildren gradually noticed things and changed the way they thought about their stepparents. For most of these changing trajectory stepchildren, stepparents tried to make friends with them (for example, giving gifts, playing games) and they were good partners for parents. The stepparents persisted in their efforts despite at least one of their stepchildren being rejected. Key to the change in attitudes was a change in the perception of stepchildren.
5. Rejection of parents
In this rejection of step parents For example, stepchildren are unpleasant from the beginning. Parents did little to bond with their stepchildren. As a result, stepchildren did nothing to restore the bond, avoided the stepparents, and created emotional distance through rudeness or hostility. They don’t see any benefit from having step parents.
Rejected stepparents were either nonresident stepmothers or stepfathers living with stepchildren. Stepchildren rejected stepmothers because they thought they would not allow them to spend more time outside with their fathers. jealousy. Children who rejected stepmothers admitted that their parents often did not have a good relationship and that fathers were often relatively indifferent in their children’s lives. In contrast, stepchildren rejected the stepfather because they too quickly moved into the role of disciplinarian.
6. Being at the same time
In coexistence the sample consisted of stepchildren, usually in high school or college, when the parents repartnered. All but one cohabiting parent were nonresident. Cohabiting stepchildren rarely saw their stepparents.
The stepchildren assumed that they rarely interacted, so they decided not to spend time and energy getting to know them. These relations were not hostile. Stepchildren were polite to casual acquaintances and generally viewed their stepparents as polite, but were reluctant to get to know them. Parents did little to develop relationships. Stepchildren generally do not know their stepparents as anything other than their parents’ spouses.
Why are there different patterns?
Many things contribute to creating different stepparent relationships. Age, the quality of the parental relationship, the time the stepchildren spend with their stepparents – these variables and others create the context that affects the development of these relationships.
Stepparents’ efforts to bond with stepchildren are important in the development of relationships, as are parents’ efforts to encourage or limit parental interaction with stepchildren. The opinion of stepchildren about the contribution of their parents to themselves, their parents and their family is also significant. Seeing personal benefits – from a higher standard of living, having someone else to support them, sharing interests and gaining an ally were important. It was also important to see that parents and siblings are happier with stepparents.
So what?
It is likely that there are more forms of relationships. Studies in Japan and New Zealand reported similar patterns, but with slightly different differences as well. A large US study also reported different patterns of stepwise relationships.
Clearly, more research is needed to explore the diversity of stepparent-adoption bonds, but we can now conclude that stepchildren bond with their stepparents in a variety of ways. Stepchildren and stepparents are not destined to experience only one type of connection—they can form many types of relationships, including positive and rewarding ones.
