I have been blessed with life. I was born in a middle class family in a modern and developed country. My children and loved ones were all healthy. We were given medical assistance. I have never suffered from financial problems. I have always had friends. I enjoyed my work and hobbies.
I know that a large part of how I feel happy has to do with what I focus on. Not everything is perfect, but I am especially mindful and grateful for what is good. I know people in the same situation as me who focus mostly on the negative and are very unhappy in their lives.
I have always considered my optimism to be a positive trait. At first, I developed a relationship where we can determine our future to some extent. I was raised to believe that we are responsible for our decisions and their outcome. When my kids got frustrated, I encouraged them by saying, “Let’s figure it out. There is a solution to almost every problem.”
Positive thinking
But over the past few years, I have come to suspect my optimism. When asked if the glass is half full or half empty, I reply, “No. Just think if it was a smaller glass, it would be completely full.” I understand that this is avoiding the question.
I have come to realize that there is a frustrating aspect to my positive thinking. It was my belief that if you are positive and optimistic, bad things will not happen to you. Pessimistic people bring bad things on themselves. For example, in my opinion, if you are a hypochondriac, you are more likely to get sick. But with various cruise ship outbreaks, recent Covid and Ebola threatening entire communities in Central Africa, I see myself in a world where something is killing people regardless of whether they are positive or negative.
I became aware of another magical mindset. When someone died, I tended to feel guilty. It was their fault for smoking, not going to the doctor quickly, ignoring the advice of their friends. Or it was someone else’s fault – the doctor, their family, a friend – someone who was guilty of incompetence or carelessness. But that thinking was challenged when my sister was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. He did everything right: diet, exercise, lifestyle. Our family has healthy genes. Who can I blame? I had to face the reality that I was trying to avoid: painful things like diseases, fires, earthquakes and… death – just happen.
Then there was my belief that “there is a solution to every problem.” I was clinging to the idea that science could eradicate disease and save our lives. But the reality of “saving our lives”—to whatever extent that might actually happen—doesn’t solve the problem of mortality. Whenever life dealt a tragedy, a friend got sick or a loved one died, I found myself wishing, “When life gets back to what it was. When life gets good again. When life gets back to ‘normal’.” But then I started asking the “normal” question, which I wanted to come back to. Was it real or a delusion? I realized that maybe these harsher realities are not an anomaly. Perhaps these parts are as natural and normal as human life.
The illusion of safety
In order to maintain my delusions of being in control and immune from illness or death, I had to avoid unpleasantness, remove myself from adversity, and avoid unhappiness. I created a Pleasantville interior. This illusion of safety was an effective survival mechanism for me as a child when I felt alone and unsafe in the world. Unfortunately, avoiding negative situations and keeping myself at a comfortable distance from people kept me isolated and prevented me from interacting with others.
In my magical world, I was missing out on the big, messy emotions and interactions and experiences that give life depth and texture. It brings you closer to those you share it with. It gives you a sense of accomplishment when you tackle them. This allows you to enjoy the good times when they happen.
I understand that I am not gold. Yes, I blessed. Yes, I am happy. But I’m not special. I was not chosen by a higher power to live a better life than others. They brought me to earth. My magical wings were clipped. But my life is wider and fuller now because I experience the good things and the challenges, the joys and pains that come with living close to loved ones in the real world.
This post was originally published as “Unwittingly guilty of magical thinking” on November 3, 2021 and has been updated to reflect new insights.
