He just doesn’t like youbest seller self help 2004 book, explained to straight women dating a scene where they shouldn’t pursue men who lied, cheated, or avoided them. These people were not deliberately sending mixed signals. They just weren’t interested.
Sounds obvious. If someone mistreats you, they probably don’t appreciate the relationship.
But the women who needed this book were navigating complex relationship dynamics, such as dating partners who assured them everything was fine while failing to show up for dates. In response, women tried to strengthen relationships.
In their research paper on the psychological effects of social exclusion, Freedman et al. referred to this as “ambiguous rejection”. When receiving a vague rejection—as opposed to a direct “no”—people tend to feel confused and upset. They may think about communication and take actions to keep hope alive, such as trying to please the person who rejected them.
Friedman et al. Use the analogy of stepping into a pool of cold water. An obvious rejection is a quick but painful cannonball into the pool. Indefinite rejection is getting into the pool, going up the stairs a few steps, and going down again – it’s also painful, but it’s slow and dragging.
I learned this lesson about rejection early on career as a lawyer. Instead of telling the client that their plan was questionable, I explained that doing it would require a cumbersome, multi-step legal process. I hope they consider it and abandon the plan, but instead they come back with increasingly complex ideas to navigate the legal process. Finally, I told them that none of the ideas were feasible and that they should consider alternatives to their plan.
The customer asked, “You say no?”
I said, “I’m having trouble seeing the road ahead.”
The customer said they would take that as a no.
Within days they came back with a much better and simpler plan. Taking “no” instead of “maybe but…” allowed them to move on instead of dwelling on the same ideas that didn’t work. I could have saved them two weeks of work by telling them more clearly in advance.
A direct “no” can be a gift to the recipient. It can free them from spending time and energy on what you mean and what they need to do. They can accept it and move on.
