One of the most common causes of tension between divorced or divorced parents is money, which is not surprising to many. Arguments often involve one spouse telling them they don’t have enough, the other saying they pay too much, and disagreements over what money they have, what it should be spent on, and by whom is the latest hot topic among parents.
Such hostility does not exist in a vacuum and can spread throughout families, affecting the relationship between parents, their relationship with their children, and possibly their relationship with the extended family. Moreover, what often accompanies frequent arguments is emotion stress which is manifested physically.
The worst part? Evidence for financial decisions usually do not lead to resolution, but instead lead to impasses that may require court intervention, which costs more money – money that could be spent on whatever the parents were fighting for in the first place. If this dynamic is familiar to you and you want to stop the unproductive and destructive conversations, here are my suggestions based on my years as a family law attorney and guardian on how to do it.
Stick to numbers, not history
The great thing about numbers is that they don’t lie. When you only refer to the numbers and not the history between you and your ex or how you got to those numbers, you can start living in the here and now, not in your past. This allows you to solve problems without the emotional turmoil that motives and decision making.
If you don’t have the numbers to back up what you’re fighting for, collect as many as you can so they speak for you. Ask your ex to do the same so you understand their position. Depending on where you are in the divorce process, this may mean seeking support from a family law attorney, possibly with a financial professional.
Work out the children’s expenses
After you are legally separated and begin the divorce process, you and your ex’s respective attorneys (or the court) will typically create a temporary court order that governs how you and your ex will manage and divide child support until your divorce is final. The final order may be the same as your provisional order or may change later based on circumstances that arise after it is established. It is very important that you comply with the temporary order because it is a binding document and the courts will not look at those who violate it.
Keep communications short, clear and documented
Any discussions between you and your ex about money, including your plan, should be in writing. If they are oral, it still is clever document those conversations, detailing the circumstances leading up to them, the date, what you and your ex discussed, and what happened afterward.
Quick fingers when it comes to texting? Consider email, which slows people down because of its formal nature, or even better, using one of the court-preferred divorce programs that support recording, communication, and transparency between parents.
Bring in a neutral party when you and your ex disagree
No matter where you are in your divorce journey, whether you are starting it for the first time or after a divorce, divorce support is available to you. Circumstances related to finances, such as losing a job, unexpected expenses, or bringing a significant other into the mix, can all affect an ex’s sudden ability or willingness to pay, even if they agree to a plan.
If such a situation arises, it is not time to take matters into your own hands. Continue with your accounting and consider engaging a neutral third party. The involvement of a third party should not increase the involvement of a judge to resolve issues.
Instead of going to court, your first choice, you and your ex (if they are willing) can go to a mediator to help resolve disputes surrounding your order, problems that may arise, and options for change. In some cases, the court requires the parties to file a motion before the court. Any permanent changes must be made in writing. If mediation doesn’t work, you and your attorney can go to court (or go back) to resolve the issues.
Remove your children from discussions about money
One of the easiest, but most important, ways to reduce stress around financial decisions is to remove your children from them. It should be clear that young children don’t understand the complex dynamics of finances, but what they will hear is that mom or dad won’t pay for ballet lessons or summer camp without understanding why. These are the words that destroy the parent-child relationship.
Regardless of how you feel about your ex, their decision-making, and whether they’re actually breaking your agreement because they don’t want to follow it, your kids should out of the fight. This applies to all children, even those who are old enough, e.g teenagers or young adultswho seem to “get” it. Because it’s personal, they don’t want to. They can’t.
The good and bad news is that money disputes are often temporary, especially when it comes to quick solutions. However, feelings about finances are like interest and can add up quickly – leaving you, your ex, and your children to pay a price that can never be calculated in dollar terms.
