Recently, two young men were saved from Sibling Sexual Abuse (SSA)17 and 22 years old reached out to me. I can’t imagine that was able to appeal in this way when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I can’t imagine what it was like to find it any other survivors or any resources of reassurance or compassion when I was younger. There were no such sites back then Sexual harm to siblings and 5 WAVESConflict groups for survivors and parents of survivors, books on SSA or any other form of support.
Everything that I was in my 20s, almost 40 years ago, has now changed. In the past five years, organizations, websites, and podcasts have been created that offer resources that were previously unavailable.
Support groups, trained therapistsand stories by and for brother sexual violence survivors are gathered all over the world. Scientists investigate disclosure and the effect of SSAand publication of their results. And now a conference, Sexual Harm and Sibling Abuse: Breaking the Silenceassistance is organized.
When I was 17, 19, 22, 24…
At the age of 17, I didn’t even admit to myself that my brother’s work was abusive. I ran away from home smoking a lot of weeds, and angry and / or cry myself to sleep at night.
At the age of 19, I finally spoke up and told a new friend that I had been bullied. I also said that I was sure that I had done what I had to do to get it, that my family would never believe me, much less do anything to support me, and that it was no big deal that I was doing it.
At 22, I was trying to get out of my skin. Flashes and fear he caught me without a moment. It took me days to weeks to calm myself down.
At 24, I knew that if I didn’t tell them what my brother, their son, had done to me, I would explode or never see my family again. I lived away from them and came back specifically to confront them with the truth. I didn’t have any money at that time, but I had a plan of how I would leave and go back across the country if they refused to insult me. They didn’t deny it, but their responses were again hurtful and they didn’t offer any meaningful support after my disclosure.
Believe in yourself: you are worthy and you are worthy
I found the strength to tell each of them and I still believe in myself and the truth.
I found a way to sit across the table from my brother, confront him about what he did, and still stand firm in my belief in myself.
Most importantly, for the first time in my life, I no longer felt that he had no power over me because I told the truth.
That feeling of power, of trusting myself, of knowing that telling the truth to my family would save me was the best feeling in the world.
Disclosure was not easy, but it was necessary. While I wasn’t prepared for my family’s lack of meaningful support and their hurtful comments (“Well, that’s in the past.” “Oh, that’s why you and your brother were at each other’s throats that summer.” “Are you okay now?”) though I was impressed with how they lessened. injury from my brother’s attacks, I felt stronger and more able to take the steps that would lead to further healing.
My relationships with most of my sisters have never recovered from me talking about what my brother did to me or the damage he did to our entire family.
Speaking up, opening up to my family was necessary and liberating, giving me a way back to myself.
Collect, dream, act
At the age of 66, I will give a keynote presentation to the Brethren sex Trauma and Abuse Conference (SSTA) in June. We are gathering. We have a conference. I’ve been dreaming of this since I was 20 years old.
We can dream all we want. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. Or, when they do, just go your own way and keep creating and building. There will be others to build with you.
Every time we speak up about sibling sexual/sexual abuse, every time we reach out to someone we trust, we save lives, prevent further harm, and promote healing and recovery.
This is community and solidarity as action.
