In February, we are forced to focus on love. Romantic cards and flowers and gifts are sold everywhere. Love stories are broadcast on TV. It seems like everyone is making special plans for Valentine’s Day. But what if there is a discrepancy between our relationship and what we are sold to the world as “normal”? What if we’re a little desperate for love? What if we realize that our “perfect partner” fails to meet our list of expectations (ie attractive, intelligent, sensitive, responsible, funny, and sharing our interests)? What if they aren’t the perfect companion for life that suits us 24/7?
We’re taught to expect this from childhood – from fairy tales to tween novels to modern day Romcoms. It doesn’t matter if our real-life examples of this – the relationships of our parents or our peers or even our own relationships – are ignored – we tend to look at these as anomalies, with an eye to the future where our perfect partner will be realized. Who wouldn’t want a love story like that? But there’s a reason romantic fiction always begins when a couple meets and ends when they fall in love. In fact, this is only the first chapter of the relationship, before the partners start doing business together.
Usually, people imagine their new relationship partner as perfect, and once they get to know them better, they become aware of habits or traits that bother them. They realize that there are interests that they do not share. Their reputation for being the perfect partner is tarnished. People may try to maintain this self-image by idealizing their partner, downplaying the qualities they like, and even exaggerating some of their qualities. For example, they may act out that their partner is funnier or more attractive than they are. This requires selling oneself, because to become more of one’s partner, one must become less of one’s self. This strategy is especially harmful because it reduces the possibility of true connection – the partner who is created does not feel, and the other loses a sense of self-worth.
Or, when flaws become apparent in the “perfect” partner, people can become frustrated and angry. They may feel victimized, as if they are not getting what they are entitled to. This often leads to criticizing the partner, paying attention to each of their shortcomings and even exaggerating them. This judgmental attitude is supported by a person’s inner critical voice. The voice is a self-defense that can prevent intimacy by supporting a negative view of the person, their partner, and their relationship. It attacks a person (You don’t know how to be in a relationship!) and/or their partner (They are too stupid/insensitive/weak etc.) and/or their relationship (These relationships are doomed to failure! Where is the love/passion/compatibility?It is possible to turn a person against his partner, himself and all his relations.
The problem is that, both in the original expectation and in the reaction when it is broken, people ignore a fundamental reality. Each of us is a unique human being with our own interests, some of us share them with our partner and some of us don’t. And because we are human, we are imperfect. We have strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect, so there can be no perfect partner.
When thinking about this, a term coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott comes to mind: “the good enough mother.” This imperfect parent provides a secure environment and emotional connection and meets some, but not all, of the child’s needs. Because the parent is less than perfect, the child adapts and develops skills to deal with frustration and disappointment. Instead of trying to relate to someone who represents a perfect image, the child is offered a genuine relationship with a real person.
Similarly, psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D. wrote about “good relationship”. In this type of relationship, people don’t want to have all their needs met by their partner. They do not think that their relationship will be free of conflict. They don’t expect to resolve all their differences. Gottman quotes Dr. Dan Wile“When choosing a long-term partner … you inevitably choose a specific set of unsolvable problems.” In “good enough relationships,” people don’t look to their partner and relationship to solve all their problems or heal their childhood wounds. They are not looking for their missing piece.
Gottman defined reasonable expectations for partners that relate to their relationship with each other. These include treating each other with kindness, love, affection and respect, and not tolerating emotional or physical abuse. In his research, he has observed that partners who model this kind of behavior towards each other are able to develop closer and closer relationships. They trust each other and are completely loyal to each other. They manage conflict constructively to reach understanding and compromises that work. And they can effectively repair when they hurt each other.
With realistic expectations, an imperfect, good-enough relationship allows each member of the couple to be realistic. Each person has the opportunity to maintain a sense of self while appreciating and supporting their partner’s unique interests and qualities. In my book, Courage to LoveI emphasize the importance of maintaining the individuality of each partner in a relationship.
Two fundamental factors that contribute to the success of a relationship are: the continuous development of each partner as an individual and their appreciation and support of their partner’s personality. To this end, we learn to value our independence and strive to maintain our integrity to be adults, open, unguarded and honest in our relationships. We also learn to respect that our partner is an independent person, separate from us and our relationship. A relationship thrives when two people with a strong sense of self bring their distinct and different qualities to their partnership.
To keep a relationship real, it’s best not to get caught up in the fantasy and expectation of a perfect relationship. This can be difficult this month when faced with all the marketing and idealization of love. But we can recognize that we are in a loving relationship where we and our partner are two unique human beings who create a genuine connection in the real and imperfect world.
This post was originally published as A true relationship in an imperfect world August 4, 2021 and updated to include new insights.
