I recently visited a beautiful museum and park in Los Angeles. I have been there many times and usually enjoy their cafe restaurant and have eaten there maybe 15-20 times before. But on this particular day, there was a heavy, negative energy in the air.
The food staff were having a really bad day and projecting it outwards. If I asked a question, they would blink; when i tried to order they told me i did it wrong. I do intermittent fasting so it’s been a long time since I’ve eaten and I was very hungry. I shut up and wouldn’t go back, but the constant bombardment of negativity made it difficult to eat and sit down.
I finally got through the line, only to have the cashier call me over and point out that she forgot to charge me for the obvious item on my plate.
At that moment, a woman came to me unexpectedly. She looked at me and said, “You know what I do when I’m around a lot of negativity? I find the smiles in the room and focus on them.”
She observed how the staff were treating me, realized it was not kindness and stepped in to offer a lifeline. Her intervention felt like absolute magic. It only took 30 seconds, but that short interaction completely neutralized all the stiffness in the room. She felt like an angel to me and so did I thank you I almost started crying.
The psychology of looking at eyebrows
Why is it so hard for us to ignore rude people? Why does one scowling cashier improve our mood more than 10 polite people?
It comes down to a mental concept known as “negativity”. bias“.
As psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson brilliantly explains, our brains are made like Velcro for negative experiences, but like Teflon for positive experiences. It is an evolutionary survival mechanism. Our ancestors weren’t looking for cute bunnies in caves on the horizon; They were very much looking for saber-toothed tigers that could eat them.
Today, we are rarely chased by wild animals, but our primitive brain still works the same way. When we encounter a rude or angry person, our brain interprets them as a social threat – modern saber-toothed tigers.
Here’s the catch: If we let our primal brain take over, we spend 100% of our emotional energy analyzing three rude people in a room, while completely ignoring ten neutral people and one incredibly kind person.
Mister Rogers’ Rule
A few years ago, before he died, I had the privilege of meeting Fred Rogers. He was one of the kindest people I have ever met in my life.
Mister Rogers is often a joint piece wisdom from his mother. She told him that when the going gets tough, “look for help. You’ll always find people to help.”
We can adapt this for our everyday emotional life: When the world is tough, look for the smilers. Look for people who have something good to give. The universe never leaves us completely in the dark. There is always an anchor of kindness nearby, but we must consciously take our eyes off the negative to see it.
Courage to look away
Consider the extraordinary story documented by Dr. Robert Coles, renowned child psychologist and Pulitzer Prize-winning author. During the 1960s desegregation in the South, he worked closely with Ruby Bridges and her family.
At age 6, Ruby became the first African American child to integrate her local school. Every day he faced unimaginable hostility and crowds of angry and seething faces. However, as Dr. Coles observed, he did not let the screaming crowd break his spirit. He found his anchors, focused on the helpers and kept the depth, stable inner strength by praying for people rather than absorbing their hatred.
We all face hostility in various forms. When we face the eyes of the world, our instinct is to look back, analyze the threat, and absorb the toxic energy.
The next time you find yourself surrounded by negativity, remember the angel of the cafe. Remember that your brain is trying to trick you into looking at the tiger. Take a deep breath, override that instinct, and scan the room.
Find the smiles and focus on them.
