I recently received an email from someone who read my article The psychology of competitiveness and asked “what practical steps can one take to move from feeling in competition with another person to being inspired by them?” I thought that was a great question. Someone who has not felt jealousy competition in some cases?
Competition is a normal human behavior. Some of us are wired to be more competitive than others – it’s hardwired into us personality. When competition turns us into someone we don’t know or creates a grudge that won’t go away. It could also be that instead of encouraging you to self-actualize, competitive jealousy is holding you back.
You may become competitive or jealous of a colleague who has just been promoted. Or you can see someone Social media messages and wonder why you can’t have a life like theirs. You may be praised for your artistic skills, but someone has joined your friend group who has won awards for their work.
Sometimes our brain sees others as a threat when they may have something we don’t have or are better at something than us.
Pay attention to your physical reactions
How does your body feel when you are around this person or hear about this person’s success? What feelings do you get? Does it cause health problems like headaches and stomachaches? Ask yourself when these feelings arise. Is it when you look at their social media? Is it when you hear a friend tell you how great that person is? What are the triggers? Try relaxation exercises, such as deep breathing or walking, to reduce your emotional stress. Being active can also help you understand your emotions.
Find the origin
When we have competitive feelings that turn into jealousy, it says more about us than it does about them. Do you feel low or like you can’t do anything right? When did you first feel this way? When you were a child, were there caregivers or adults in your life who told you that you weren’t good enough? Were you treated as “lesser” than other family members? Usually, feelings of jealousy run deep and you may want to talk to a mental health professional (MHP). An MHP can help you process the feelings that go back to your family of origin and help you understand how you feel now.
Separate fact from speculation
Part of competition and jealousy is that the other person has a wonderful life. Why can’t we have nice things? The truth is, we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. As they say, everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about. When the story “Why do they live such a perfect life?” appears, ask yourself: Is this evidence or speculation? Just because someone posts on social media doesn’t mean it’s real. You may be surprised to find that your brain relies on assumptions rather than facts.
What is your ultimate goal?
Is this someone you have a long-term relationship with? friendship or relationship? If so, maybe take a step back and see if competition is getting in the way of getting to know you better. If your ultimate goal is to “get better” than this person, ask yourself what would happen if you got better. Does it make you happy? Give meaning to your life? Or will it be a temporary feeling of victory followed by more competition?
What other factors are at play?
You can compete with anyone who has narcissist inclinations Maybe they have created a competition by comparing you to others and you always fall behind. Maybe you’re trying to be someone they say you’re not. Perhaps the best course of action for you is to limit contact with this person. If your relationship with this person makes you feel confused, worryingor at the very least, maybe it’s time to take a step back.
What can you learn from this person?
If you feel competitive and jealous of someone who seems to have no trouble making friends, ask yourself what you can learn from them. Maybe you feel competitive or jealous because having more friends is something you really want in your life. What can they do to meet people? Maybe they belong to social groups, like a book club, or maybe they volunteer. If you get to know the person better, you can even ask them how they meet others. If you’re jealous of someone else’s seemingly perfect health, maybe this is an opportunity to see how you can improve your own quality of life. Sometimes our competitiveness and jealousy can prevent us from learning more about others and ourselves.
Access
If the person you’re competing with isn’t a friend or family member, consider making a friendly overture. If you already have a good level of emotional health proximity With this person, consider being honest and saying, “I admit, I’m jealous of how clean your house is.” Many times, the person will respond that they are actually jealous of something in your life. Reaching out helps you realize that others are sharing the same feelings and experiences as you.
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