In her February 1, 2026 New York Times op-ed, “My Patient Was Dying. His Wife Refused to Accept It,” pulmonologist and critical care physician Daniela J. Lamas explained why so many inpatient physicians and nurses call family members of hospitalized patients “difficult.” He wrote:
“Difficult families ask questions in an accusatory tone and are not satisfied with our answers. They demand updates with a frequency we consider excessive, they question nurses and make choices we find objectionable. . . . They are considered unreasonable.”
The “unreasonableness” of family members is, of course, a matter of perspective. For family members of hospitalized patients, especially those in the intensive care unit with a critically ill patient, multiple inquiries and loud advertisements for their relatives are the only way they can help them in medical emergencies. Doctors should understand what the family members say. It’s no surprise, then, that Lamas’ article sparked a series of mostly angry letters to the editor.
- “Perhaps the doctor will be offended,” said one, “but he is going to the house of his relatives, let him be offended.”
- “Families sometimes can’t make decisions because they’re dealing with so many emotional factors,” said another. “However … the doctors expect them to.”
- “Problem family members can sometimes be right in their demands,” said a third.
Their strong feelings did not surprise us. For 30 years we have provided psychotherapy to family caregivers, we heard many of them complain about frustrating interactions with rushed doctors who seemed to spend time with them about their hospitalized parents and spouses. Patients told us that doctors sometimes use confusing and awkward technical language when providing medical explanations. They said that doctors can become impatient, impatient and even judgmental when waiting to make important treatment decisions on behalf of their loved ones.
As a family caretaker for hospital relatives, there is little you can do to change the way hospital doctors communicate or behave. You can only try to take steps to improve your meetings with them. Here are some general principles for improving collaboration:
- Ask about regular communication: To get frequent updates about your hospitalized relative, ask your doctor or medical team which team member sees you regularly and when. Do you have to be in the hospital room when the doctor makes rounds, that is, from room to room to see patients, including your loved ones? Or does a nurse or social worker in the group call you on a certain day and time? The more information you can get from hospital staff about the preferred means of communication with family members, the less uncertainty you will have about when to receive information.
- Select a point person for family: Hospital groups prefer to share information and answer questions with one family representative rather than dozens. Identify one person in the family—often either a medical proxy or a close relative—who will talk to the health professionals and then disseminate this information to the rest of the family.
- Paragraph information: Doctors and nurses can rush into your relative’s hospital room and share their impressions and treatment ideas with you very quickly. To make sure you heard and understood what they said, repeat what you heard back to them before they walk out the door. For example, you might say, “I understand that you are recommending additional MRI studies to confirm the diagnosis. Did I hear you correctly?” This allows the doctor to clarify and perhaps expand any plan they have in mind. It also lets them know that you are interested in knowing all the details of the medical plan and that you expect them to provide clear explanations.
- If one family member asks a question, the other should note: Hospitalization is possible stress about everyone in the family. Emotions can run high if the patient’s life is in danger. When very stressed and emotional, most people do not process new information well. That’s why it’s a good idea to assign a family member the task of taking notes when family members meet with the doctor so that you can write down on paper more of what was said than you remember.
- Slow things down: Doctors, nurses, and social workers move quickly to assess patients, treat them appropriately, and plan discharges. Family members usually cannot keep up with this pace and are then pressured by the hospital team to make decisions they are not ready to make. Make it clear to them that you need more time to understand the implications of any decisions and to discuss them with other members. Team members may not be happy with you, but you will be more thoughtful and cautious.
- Avoid hostility: Because they are worrying about the health of their hospitalized relative, family members may become frustrated or angry if hospital staff do not communicate. Unfortunately, this will not lead to a more careful frame; it can instead make them think of you as “difficult” and then keep you at arm’s length. If possible, lower your temperature. Then calmly share your concerns with the hospital team. Be sure to let doctors, nurses, and social workers know that you respect the important work they do and want to help, not hinder. Then they are more likely to see you as an ally in patient care, i.e. your loved one.
