Marie found herself at a crossroads. She had just turned 60 and her husband of over 30 years was demanding divorce. Over the years, they prioritized Paul’s work while he took on the heavy burdens of the household. He went to work in finance every day while she took care of their three children and looked after the house. He worked part-time jobs here and there, but the focus was always on making him a priority career first.
She thought about all the bills they had together and how she didn’t have any money she could set aside for herself even if she wanted to. To be honest, she didn’t even have a complete financial picture of their assets because that was what Paul had always managed. He knew they had a home and an investment property as well retirement accounts. But if someone asked him what kind of accounts or even how to access them, he wouldn’t have the first idea. Now he was worried about divorce, as he had seen the incident with some of his friends. She wondered how she was even going to pay to hire her own divorce attorney.
Marie’s story is not unique. In marriages and partnerships across the country and the world, money plays an important role in relationships. When partners are on the same page about money and are able to communicate with transparency and respect, their relationship will be stronger for it. But the opposite is also true: A lack of transparency can have a devastating effect on partnerships.
Research on money and marriage between men and women brings several main topics, including financial managementconflict, power dynamics and sex criteria. In many heterosexual marriages, how money is handled can contribute to unequal power dynamics in the marriage. As in Marie’s story above, the spouse who earns more can use more decision making power or feel they should have more say in family finances because they earn more. Men are often socialized to manage finances or dominate financial decisions, while women may feel pressured to defer control. (Betrand et al., 2015).
Not surprisingly, such inequality can affect the health of a marriage. One study found that money management patterns influence inequality in living standards and access to personal finance (Vogler and Paul, 1994). For example, if women do not have the right to spend a lot of money because their husbands earn or control money in their daily lives, this may affect the quality of their daily lives compared to their spouses.
There is good news for couples who want to build a healthier relationship with their finances as a couple. Studies examining the relationship between financial transparency and trust show that open communication about money and financial transparency are generally associated with greater relationship satisfaction (Dew and Stewart, 2012; Saksi and colleagues, 2022). In other words, couples who regularly talk about finances goalsbudgeting and spending tend to be more reliable and have fewer disagreements about money.
Some studies show that younger generations are seeking more flexibility and equality in managing this dynamic. One research paper found that younger couples tend to contribute to partial or independent pooling of funds (Burgoyne and colleagues, 2006). In other words, younger couples preferred to keep their money independently or have shared resources. But they preferred not to be completely involved in their finances, as was often the case with older generations. These settings were found to reinforce both autonomy and shared responsibility, as well as personal and collective goals. Fully integrated money systems have sometimes been found to maintain an aspect of equality and mask power imbalances, particularly in couples with large income disparities. (Vogler and colleagues, 2006).
One article further explored how young couples instead opted for “mixed systems” where some finances were shared and some were independent. This allows the couple to maintain financial independence in the relationship while working together as a financial unit. Research confirms that maintaining some financial independence during marriage is healthy and can increase both financial satisfaction and gender equality over time. (De Henau and Himmelweit, 2013).
Studies looking at queer couples show less adherence to traditional gender roles. Some studies have suggested that queer couples divide labor and finances more equally than heterosexual couples. One queer woman explores this idea: “We have straight friends who never talk about money until they suddenly fight about it, and that just wasn’t a pattern we wanted to participate in. I don’t know if it’s because we’re gay and society’s expectations don’t support either of us, but we seem to find it easier to discuss our friends.Abdu, 2022).
Important relationships to read
Queer couples can feel more free to create a framework for navigating their finances that works for them. In a sense, when the path is unknown, the unlikely couple forge their own path together. There is power in stepping off the beaten path and creating a financial future based on a couple’s values and desires for their lives. Although there is generally a more egalitarian power dynamic with non-marital couples, there is still income inequality that affects power dynamics. (Hall and colleagues, 2017). For example, one person may have a higher income, which may affect the power in making financial decisions in the relationship. As with heterosexual relationships, this can create a power imbalance where one person has more power over how and when money is spent.
With all couples, addressing income inequality with open communication and fair financial practices is key to fostering balance and avoiding power imbalances. A helpful place to start might be to reflect on your values around money as a couple. For example, do you value financial stability? Family? Education and knowledge? Travel and curiosity? Being on the same page with your financial values can help you create a system that works for you and reflects those values.
