How to learn to empathize with narcissists

One of my biggest complaints is about the people I talk to narcissist personality disorder (NPD), do they lack emotional empathy. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it means you’ll probably be shocked at how selfish your partner is and how oblivious or uncaring he or she is to any pain he or she causes you.

Narcissists can be more empathetic

All narcissists can increase their ability to use cognitive empathy. Some narcissists may later develop emotional empathy. I’ve seen it happen in situations like this:

• The narcissist practiced his cognitive empathy under the guidance of a therapist.
• They succeeded for several years psychotherapy and their understanding of themselves increased.
• They wanted to feel emotional empathy for other people.

A person with whom they sympathized had the following characteristics:

1. He had a lower status than the narcissist.
2. That person admired the soul and looked.
3. No one is a threat or competition.
4. This person is going through or has gone through almost the same thing vulnerable a situation that my narcissistic client experienced in the past.
5. There was no barrier to sympathy.

Comment: I use the terms narcissist and NPD as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a full narcissistic diagnosis. personality chaos

Example: Barry and his brother’s beating

One of my clients had a very severe form of NPD a rough childhood. Barry and his older brother Benny were raised by a single mother who worked two jobs. Benny was furious at being held responsible for Barry and brutally abused him. In insult they started beating. As soon as Barry was old enough, he fought back. He fought until his brother almost killed him. Benny locks him in the fireplace and slams his head into the metal bars. Barry survived, but was left with physical and emotional scars.

Once Barry was talking to John, a young man who worked for him. John said he hated his brother. When Barry asked why, John talked about being bullied and beaten by his brother as a child and how he felt safer at school than at home.

Barry felt genuine sympathy for what John was going through. In his next session, he was happy to report that he felt safe enough with John and that the situation was close enough to what he had been through that he actually felt emotional sympathy for him.

Summary of 10 Steps to Emotional Compassion

1. Rating: Assess the client’s current level of cognitive and emotional empathy.
2. Start: Start where they are now.
3. Notice: If their cognitive empathy is weak, start by raising their awareness of when cognitive empathy is appropriate.
4. Methods: Use role-playing and similar techniques to get them to think about how other people in their lives think about their behavior.
5. Home work: Give them homework to give them lots of practice in cognitive empathy.
6. Neural networks: The goal is to make cognitive empathy an automatic habit through repetition. The brain does this by creating neural networks that turn everything we do regularly into our first response. This turns repetitive behaviors (like driving) into unconscious habits, freeing up our conscious mind to deal with new situations.
7. Motivation: Note and praise each new example of compassion.
8. Waiting for sympathy: Share your expectations with your client without overdoing or over-promising: I believe you are capable of developing more useful cognitive empathy, and despite what you’ve read, with enough work you can develop emotional empathy as well.
9. First emotional empathy: Be alert for signs that their emotional empathy may be activated quickly, such as an increased concern for other people’s feelings or a growing understanding of the value of feeling and expressing appropriate empathy.
10. Ask questions: Keep all of the above in the person’s awareness by asking for home reports of empathy, listening to examples of empathy in session, and generally making sure to keep the topic alive throughout therapy.

Example: Summary of John’s work

John is a 45-year-old demonstrative narcissist divorced twice for cheating and to lieBeing extremely compassionate is and should always be the focus of it attention.

1. Rating: John was able to love and empathize with his dogs, take good care of them, and even had a lover he called his “heart dog.” This was a good sign because it made it possible that he too could finally start feeling care and compassion for people. He was also often angry, extremely selfish, and oblivious to the negative impact he had on other people. However, he wanted to like her, which made it easier to work with him in creating sympathy.
2. Start: I asked him about his dogs and how he felt about them. I then asked about the people in his life and compared his feelings about his dogs to his wife’s.
3. Notice: I focused on raising his awareness of the impact he had on other people. I suggested that he join my therapy group to explore the reactions of others to his behavior in a safe environment.
4. Methods: I used 2 courses of gestalt therapy and different types of role playing with him. We also rehearsed his reactions to difficult situations in advance, so he was better prepared to behave appropriately. I don’t worry about narcissists feeling fake at first, because if they do enough repetition, their brains will eventually internalize it as real.
5. Home work: John was instructed to pause before saying anything and think about the other person’s response rather than saying anything. She also asked some trusted friends to share their real reactions to her behavior.
6. Neural networks: I regularly talk to him about logic and neurology behind the changes he made and over time it took thousands of repetitions to build a new and different automatic response. This fact contributed to its neutralization shame beneath his narcissistic grandeur.
7. Encourage: I rewarded John’s efforts to change by encouraging him and praising him for every success.
8. Waiting for sympathy: John knew that I expected him to be capable of cultivating at least as much sympathy with men as with dogs.
9. First emotional empathy: His first emotional sympathy was for a grieving dog owner.
10. Ask questions: I asked a lot of questions about how he felt about different people and what things made him care more about their feelings.

Conclusion

Many people with narcissistic personality disorder may develop more cognitive and emotional empathy than they used to. The path to developing empathy basically consists of the therapist picking up where the narcissistic caregiver left off, from increasing cognitive empathy until it is automatic, and being alert to small signs that the client may be ready to develop emotional empathy as well.