Wishes for the Newlyweds: A Psychologist’s Guide to Lasting Love.
I went to my cousin’s wedding last month. During the meal, there was a card at each place for guests to fill out. Above was the headline: Advice and wishes for the new Mr. and Mrs. With this simple request, I was flooded with thoughts and feelings. I reflected on what I had learned from my own marriage over the years. I felt for the life that my cousin and his fiancee were about to start together. And I couldn’t help but think about the things I’ve learned about relationships in my years as an experimental psychologist.
Marriage and intimate relationships can be challenging because they require finding a balance between being intimate with another person, feeling loved and connected, and maintaining one’s identity. When people first fall in love, they usually feel attracted to each other and support their partner’s individual interests. They also appreciate the ways in which their partner supports them. Both members of the couple thrive in such a relationship.
However, over time, partners can take each other for granted. In a sense, they develop the illusion that they are extensions of each other, two halves of one whole. This can upset the balance of their relationship and they can forget that they are a whole person. Their awareness of their partner as an individual may also decrease. They can lose the spark within themselves as well as the spark between each other. This unconscious process, which my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, called “phantom attachment,” is an illusion of attachment to another person that can replace true love and relationship.
It is important for couples to protect themselves from this process and maintain their identity while being emotionally close and connected to their partner. To this end, it is important for each partner to not give up activities or friendships they enjoy and to encourage their partner to do the same. They must remember not to bend themselves out of shape to be what their partner wants. They can respect and support each other’s separation. So couples can have emotional intimacy while being completely themselves.
My dreams for my cousin and his bride that evening were many, but the most pressing was that they each retain their sense of individuality and enjoy a sense of fun, respect, and obvious love for each other. Here, in bold, are five bridal shower card prompts, followed by the responses and thoughts they inspired me.
Always… Be kind to your partner. We are all human, with strengths and weaknesses. It is important to see each other in a real, loving way. Your partner has a whole world of things going on inside of them that you don’t fully understand. When you see your partner through a caring lens, you can come from a place of kindness—even in difficult situations. Treating your partner this way will help you treat yourself the same way. It is then easier to have patience and compassion for yourself and your loved one when things get difficult or difficult.
NOT… let go of expectations of what a relationship should be. It’s hard not to fall prey to the images that bombard us of what the perfect partner, love, family, home, career, life, and more are. Things will not be perfect. There will be times when you feel down. You and your partner won’t be on the same page on everything. There may be times when you feel like you are failing as a couple. There may be times when you feel distant or critical of each other. But when you resist comparing yourself to external images of what a relationship should be, you can look inward and notice the real qualities that you and your partner bring to your union.
SOMETIMES… you get angry and that’s okay. Anger is a natural and human emotion, but it is often uncomfortable to feel. When you learn to accept and be curious about angry reactions, instead of suppressing them or judging them, you can avoid the pitfalls of your second thoughts or the need to justify the feeling. Then you can let the big emotions in and decide how to deal with the situation that is bothering you. Understanding your anger and moving on can take time, patience, and introspection. see It’s good to be angry. 6 Tips for dealing with anger for more understanding.
DON’T FORGET… the reason you fell in love with your partner. The most interesting things about your partner are the things that make them unique; their point of view, nuances, their nature. Although you are compatible and have many things in common, your partner is an individual, born with their own unique personality and shaped by their own life experiences. Their story is different from yours, their experience is different from yours. You can support your partner’s unique traits and qualities by being aware of and encouraging things that light them up and make them feel more alive.
Most importantly… Congratulations! Because together you are embarking on a lifelong journey of discovery and love that will be challenging, but most of all rewarding!
WITH LOVE, Lisa Firestone
