“Even though we’re together, I feel alone.”
“Being alone is bearable; loneliness in a relationship is painful.”
“It’s a lonely feeling when someone you care about is alienated.”
Unfortunately, most people who have been in long-term relationships will recognize the sentiment expressed in this statement. And sadly, most of them don’t know how they got to the point in their relationships where they feel so alone and unloved. And worst of all, they don’t know how to come back from it and regain the intimacy and feelings they once enjoyed.
What happened? A fantastic bond
I’ve been writing and lecturing about science fiction for many years. The fantasy link, a term coined by my father, Robert Firestone, Ph.D. is a defensive adaptation that occurs during infancy when the child depends solely on the parents for survival. Sometimes, when an infant perceives a parent as absent or unavailable, the child copes with their anxiety by creating an illusion of connection with their parent. This illusion of attachment calms them down and relieves them of the sense of threat they are experiencing. In the words of Robert Firestone, “the fantasy attachment acts as a primitive psychological defense that partially relieves anxiety and offers a false sense of security and safety.”
This protection serves the individual through stressful situations in childhood, adolescence, and in their adult relationships. The fantasy bond manifests itself most strongly where people feel most vulnerable: in their romantic relationships. At the beginning of an intimate relationship, people are usually carefree and spontaneous. But as the relationship develops and becomes more meaningful, they tend to feel more anxious about being vulnerable and opening up to their partner. Old insecurities may surface and fears of missing out may arise. The more they feel invested, the more they feel they have to lose.
So they are caught in a double bind: they are attracted to closeness and intimacy, but they are also afraid and protective. People often resolve this conflict and overcome their anxiety and insecurities by creating an imaginary bond with their partner. This gives them the illusion of merging and bonding with their partner. However, as they form this imaginary unit, they gradually replace the fantasy of love with true love and intimacy. This ultimately backfires because the imaginary connection replaces the real love and intimacy between the two people. As both partners sacrifice more and more of their identity to maintain the illusion of being one, they become detached from their feelings and become sensitive to their partner’s feelings.
The formation of a fantasy bond leads to the breakdown of communication within the couple. Because they don’t see each other as individuals, their conversations become less personal and meaningful. Their communication becomes superficial and practical. They seek comfort in discussing the same narrow range of topics. When others speak, they may become indifferent and impatient, or not listen at all. When each partner no longer sees the other for who they are, they both lose the ability to relate to each other. Instead, they are treated with less empathy, compassion, care, and understanding.
How to Rekindle Love: Five Mindsets
In his book how to feel love Five mindsets that will give you the things that matter mosthappiness scientist Sonya Lyubomirsky and relationship scientist Harry Reiss have identified a clear way to not only experience the love you already have, but also how to cultivate feelings of love for you from others. What it really feels like to be in love, they discovered, is vastly different from the actions usually associated with being in love, being loved, and falling in love. These experts offer a radical, hopeful, science-based overhaul of how we think about love, revealing that feeling loved isn’t about making yourself more attractive or lovable; it’s about exposing your full and vulnerable self as well as encouraging your loved one to reveal their full and vulnerable self.
The five mindsets these authors suggest also offer a means by which to deal with the relationship between spouses and the fantasy bond.
- Exchange: showing our vulnerabilities and inner world, not just polished parts.
- Listen to learn: creating space to really tune in to others and listen carefully to what they have to say.
- Radical attention: being genuinely interested in another and curious about the details that shape their world, their beliefs and interests, as well as their fears and weaknesses.
- An open heart: kindness and approval of others for who they really are.
- Life: captures the chaotic complexity in all of us.
These suggestions allow a person to see their partner with fresh eyes. The thoughts encourage each person to let go of the assumptions they have about their partner, to stop judging or rejecting them in any way. As Harry Reis once said interview“The mindset of listening to learn is the idea that you have to really pay attention so you can really learn something about the other person. You have to be curious about what they’re saying. And then—and this is the important part—you have to encourage them to go deeper. One of the most powerful things you can say is a simple three-word phrase: ‘Tell me more.’
The five mindsets support each person’s personality and thus allow them to emerge as independent individuals once again. Adherence to these recommendations will help to counteract the destructive effects of the fantasy link. As the relationship between the couple deepens and they once again enjoy their interpersonal exchanges, true love returns and replaces the illusion of attachment.
In the webinar How to Feel Loved: A Conversation with Dr. Harry ReissI discuss the Five Mindsets with Dr. Reiss and how they work to fight addiction, restore love with your partner, and stop you from feeling lonely in your relationship.
