After hearing dozens of my clients describe them dating life and how subsequent relationships actually happened, I realized something interesting: My clients’ initial impressions of the people they met are often more accurate during their first date than when they were romantically and sexually involved.
Let me give you an example to understand what I mean. Carol’s situation was common.
Carol and her dating magazine
Carol is an attractive 50-year-old widow who joined therapy in order to find a new partner who would be a better match for her than her deceased husband. She said she knew she needed therapy because she always seemed to be dealing with extremely selfish men.
I knew my late husband had problems from the beginning. There were several red flags. But I was so tired of being single and I told myself that he is a good person and we can do this. The truth is, we were a bad match and should never have gotten married.
My hypothesis
I believed that Carol set the bar for good behavior too low and ignored important early clues that her dates were too selfish to be good partners for her.
Carol’s homework was to write a page of her first impressions of the man’s behavior on their first date. Then, in the next session, we looked at his pros and cons about trying to establish a relationship with this person.
One of the problems we encountered is that no matter what red flags Carol noticed, she often found a way to interpret even apparently selfish behavior as something good. This led to her actually dating some men only to realize that she had been making the same mistakes over and over again. Her relationship with Dan was popular.
Grains and Chinese food
Carol met Dan through a dating app. He invited her to dinner at a fancy restaurant and spoke highly of the menu. He spent a lot of time and money getting ready to go somewhere special. She cut her hair and nails and bought new clothes.
But when Dan showed up at her door, he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and carrying a load of Chinese food. Her first reaction was shock and disappointment. She was looking forward to their evening.
However, instead of telling Dan about the change, she ignored her real reaction and turned the situation around, telling him: You must be a mind reader. I like Chinese food. Enter.
Carol was her own worst enemy. Instead of complaining to Dan about the change of plans, she complimented him.
But she did her homework and wrote down her first impressions and how it went. Dan took advantage of being at her apartment to push her into having sex, and she didn’t offer to help him clean up after their impromptu dinner.
In the session
I had Carol read her notes out loud and tell me what she noticed for a special fee. attention to any inconsistency:
- Did her date do what she said it would?
- Did he explain why he changed the plan without checking first?
- What she said and did on the date matched her real self first impression?
- Did she betray herself by not telling him about her true feelings about his relationship with her?
Carol realized that she felt as if she had no choice but to agree, even though she was given goalswhich did not benefit him in any way.
To my surprise, despite Dan’s obvious selfish and mean behavior, she decided to date him. It ended badly like his other relationships.
A change was needed
If Carol wanted to have another man, she had to be willing to reject the men who treated her badly. So we’ve added that as a new part of her dating routine: Speak carefully, but politely, if you don’t like how you’re treated. I also reminded him of what I believe to be the wisest and most effective course of action based on his goals: If you don’t like how he treats you on the first date, you shouldn’t continue dating him. Your first impressions are probably more honest and helpful than your later rationalizations.
Important relationships to read
Instructions
If you are not happy with the people you meet and are tired of making mistakes, you might benefit from trying my method. Carol married a man she liked on their first date.
Sure, you could miss out on a perfect gem by not giving someone a second chance to disappoint you, but for many people, that’s the lesser of two evils.
This is not a method sex specific Whether you’re male, female, other, straight, gay, or mixed, it’s basically a process.
- Start a dating journal.
- After your first date, write a page about your actual reactions to your date’s behavior.
- Pay attention to the discrepancies between what you thought you proposed and what actually happened.
- Pay attention to your true feelings. If you come across as shocked, frustrated, and uncomfortable, this person is probably not right for you. It doesn’t matter why.
- If you’re not sure what a good relationship feels like on a first date, I suggest you look for a combination of excitement and comfort.
Red flags
- You don’t feel comfortable or interested in your date.
- Your date can’t seem to find out more about you. This person will not ask any questions about your work, education and hobbies.
- Your date only talks about himself and interrupts you when you bring up something else.
- Your date ignores your stated preferences. For example, he knows you are a vegetarian and takes you to a steakhouse.
- Your date will pressure you to be more sex because you want to be or engage in sexual activities that you do not like.
Conclusion
It’s tempting to want to give people a second chance, even if you had a really bad first date. You may hate being alone and feel desperate for a stable partner. Maybe you’ve received a lot of dating advice that suggests you’re still single because your standards are too high.
However, the opposite can also be true. You may need to raise your standards. A good way to find out is to take notes on your reactions immediately after your first date. Look at what you’ve written with attention to red flags that you’re going down the old dating road. And remember: A bad first date rarely leads to a good long-term mate.
