The question came from my friend Barbara: “Did I ever tell you about the crazy thing Camilla did at the college party?”
I took a moment to think before answering. Considering that it was Barbara to laugh When she said that, I realized that Camilla had done something stupid and harmless years before I knew her. However, I could not be sure.
I wondered if Camilla, knowing about this, was embarrassed or angry or thought it was funny. Should I tell Camilla that I knew or who told me? Does knowing this information change my opinion of Camilla or how much I trust her?
Since I didn’t know the answers to these questions, I said, “Barb, I don’t hear it.”
“Come on, are you serious?” Barbara is back.
“Yes, I really am,” I quickly replied.
Revealing and hiding information
A central reality of close relationships such as family, friends, neighbors or co-workers is the need to make choices about what to say and what not to say to others. Build clever The choice to disclose or withhold information is often complex and one of the keys to developing and maintaining strong relationships. Often, these choices are clear to us and help the relationship grow.
Communication scientist Sandra Petronio (2002) developed the theory of communication privacy Management (CPM). Knowing CPM helps us understand that we have a sense of ownership of information about ourselves and others. This explains why we can feel violated when we find out that someone has shared information that we thought should remain private. It is important to understand and make wise choices about what information to share with others and when not to share it.
There is another side to this situation: How do we react when someone tries to tell us something we don’t want to know?? Clearly, the other person believes that this is what we want to know or need to know. If we are in a close relationship, we should be willing to accept the information the other person is willing to share, right?
Become a trusted person
Trustees they are trusted or expected to be the recipients (owners) of information (Petronio et al., 2022). Most of the time, we are correct in our choice of confidant, especially if we have developed specific privacy expectations with that person. For example, we may feel that we need to discuss a financial problem with a romantic partner, a health condition with a parent, a work problem with a supervisor, or good news such as winning an award with a friend.
Petronio (2002) explained that we establish privacy policy in a relationship helps us decide what to share, with whom, and when. These rules can be specific and clear; but sometimes they are not like that. For example, “Julio, I didn’t realize how much you were struggling with your health. What can I do or say to help you?” Privacy can be violated on purpose (we assume or know that this person does not want this information to be discussed) or unintentionally (we did not realize that the person would be harmed if this information were shared). Sometimes we don’t know there is an expectation of privacy until we violate it and realize the need to change the privacy rules.
While we usually expect to be the confidant and to receive private information in intimate relationships, this is not always the case. Petronio describes that a They don’t want to believein other words, the receiver of information.
Sometimes we don’t expect unwanted information to come our way, as my friend wanted to tell me about Camilla’s partying behavior. Other times, we fear others may tell us things that are difficult or dangerous to know. Information can be provided indirectly, for example, through a Social media publishing Sometimes we learn information when the other person gives it to us before we realize what is happening.
Regardless of how and when this information comes to us, we can find ourselves in the role of a reluctant believer who must figure out how to react. For example, when adults brother tells us marriage They were separated, or they were abusive alcoholknowing this information is potentially dangerous and the next steps are especially important. Should we share our displeasure with the person disclosing this information? Do we have a responsibility to tell parents or other family members what is happening? Depending on the choice we make, how should we balance our desire to be supportive, help parents fulfill their role, and avoid jeopardizing our relationship with one or both?
What are the options when we are forced into the role of reluctant confidant?
Options for becoming a trustee
1. Establish expectations and rules related to privacy: How clear are you and others in close relationships about what to reveal and what to keep private? For example, you may come from an open family that discusses everything, and find that it’s difficult for your own romantic partner when your mom asks when you’re going to have kids. You may need to create or revise privacy rules with your partner.
2. Avoiding unwanted information: When you anticipate or hear things you don’t know, you have many options to avoid. You can try changing the subject, make a comment or gesture that shows your discomfort, offer a gentle joke, refer the person to a professional, or even withdraw from the situation. Petronio (1999) called these prevention technique to prevent disclosing information that is dangerous to you or the disclosing party.
As a college professor, I was a reluctant confidant when a student whose paper was due in my class the next day revealed that they had started work the night before. I stopped the student and said, “I want to help, and of course, I will grade your paper. I would advise you to think carefully about what you want to know from me.”
3. Listening and responding correctly: Of course, if we judge that the relationship is appropriate for disclosure, we may seek or seek information, even if we feel uncomfortable. Scientists study friends as reluctant partners emphasized the importance of listening to learn how to be supportive (McBride & Bergen, 2008). It is important to weigh the risks and benefits of being a trustee. Listening can be a gift to those we care about, even if it can be potentially dangerous. There are serious situations where we will step in and help, even when the consequences are unpredictable.
4. Consideration of the risks and benefits of the relationship: Before choosing to become a confidant or disclose to anyone, consider the potential risks to you and others. You always have the right to opt out of a self-care confidant, but there is a certain amount of risk involved in this choice, including someone being disappointed or potentially damaging the relationship. Getting information is always a responsible choice. No close relationship is immune to costs and rewards.
After all, it is important to have clear and flexible privacy rules in intimate relationships before we own or demand private information from others. Review the information we share and receive and our privacy policy borders over time, are essential for healthy and rewarding relationships.
