Anger is inevitable, natural, human part! So why is our relationship with our anger so complicated? Anger is often seen as something toxic to be avoided, as if it is the same thing as aggression. It’s not. The truth is, when we can acknowledge our anger, even to ourselves, it can become something as comfortable to notice and think about as any other emotion. This actually leads to less aggression, less hostility, and more space to choose how to deal with these feelings. Choose how we want to address them. To understand that fleeting feelings of anger happen every day – sometimes every hour! – and are no more dangerous or terrifying than any other emotion.
Sometimes we are uncomfortable admitting anger unless we can fully justify it. Other times we may try to ignore it to “keep the peace” and worry about exploding or causing an explosion in someone else. There are so many conflicting emotions surrounding this hot feeling that unhealthy patterns of coping often arise.
To find healthy ways to deal with anger, we need to change the way we deal with it. Experiencing anger as an acceptable and human experience can help us feel better emotionally and physically. Here are some helpful principles to adopt that can change the way we look at and deal with angry feelings.
- Don’t ignore it.
Despite our best efforts to deny or mask uncomfortable feelings, they still affect us. The only difference is that we are further away from being able to understand it, which leads to more confusion around what we experience as a whole. Being honest with ourselves about how we feel keeps us from emotional traps like passive-aggression, cynicism, irritability, or just a vague feeling of guilt or discomfort at the end of the day.
- Remember that anger doesn’t have to be rational.
Being open-minded about our anger reminds us that feelings and actions are very separate things. Our feelings do not define who we are. We can embrace what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls “coal,” which means we are curious, open, accepting, and loving toward ourselves and what we experience, even when it’s unacceptable to us. As relationship expert and educator Dr. Pat Love says, we can always “feel the emotion but do the right thing.”
- Avoid making a case.
Feeling angry doesn’t have to make perfect sense to us in the moment we experience it. There is no need to justify what we feel or to justify it with elaborate details. It’s just a natural, instinctive response, and we can be curious about it rather than let it hijack our thoughts. If we feel anger and admit it to ourselves, instead of trying to figure out why it’s “right” to feel that way, we’re less likely to hurt ourselves or others.
- Distinguish adaptive from inappropriate anger.
Any emotion can give us clues about who we are and what affects us. “Another controversial idea is that anger can be adaptive and healthy.” said emotion-focused therapist and founder Dr. Les Greenberg. “Many people think that anger is always passive, that it’s dysfunctional, but—treated well—anger can be a healthy emotion.”
Greenberg is different primary emotions, which are a person’s “primary primary and immediate response” to a situation, such as anger at a loss, than their secondary emotions, which are not responses to the situation itself.
Greenberg explains that when one experiences anger as an inappropriate secondary emotion, it is helpful to address the emotion deeper into that primary trigger or trigger. Great emotions are often associated with our past. For example, a person may be angry that his partner came home late. Then they may have to punish their partner by stoning them. However, if they look at the immediate emotional reaction they had before they felt anger and punishment, they may realize that the primary emotion they felt was actually shame. Perhaps they have underlying sadness around feeling rejected or disappointed. When they discover this primal feeling, they can feel compassion for themselves and communicate their wants and needs directly with their partner.
- Pay attention to your critical inner voice.
One thing to keep in mind when studying our anger is that too many critical thoughts tend to form around that anger. Each of us has an inner critic that is shaped by our early experiences and takes the form of destructive thoughts that turn us against ourselves and others.
When anger arises, this critical inner voice may say, “You should be angry! You should be angry! He always thinks it’s all about you!” Or, it could say something like, “You’re always so angry. If you were a caring person, you’d just be nice and let it go.” Neither of these extremes is reasonable, and neither is in our best interest.
A good way to tell when this “voice” is drowning out our true perspective is if we start to feel increasingly angry or upset. Do we have too many thoughts about our anger? Making a case? Bombarding ourselves with all sorts of defining statements? Do we assume what the other person is thinking or feeling? All of these can be signs that our inner critical voice has taken over the wheel and it’s time to get back on track and rethink.
- Give yourself what you need to relax.
The best way to deal with anger is to be clean and honest. It’s okay to be angry. It is important to identify where our anger comes from and what triggers it in us. Letting any feelings wash over us and it’s okay to be kind to ourselves.
By giving ourselves time and space to go through intense emotions, we can feel more comfortable around them and more in control of what we want to do with them. In our webinar How to deal with anger, Dr. Lisa Firestone spends a lot of time helping us regain our composure during heated moments. These experiences are similar Name it Tame It and 4-7-8 Breathing. Whether our anger is fueled by something painful from our past or something scary in the present, there are healing ways to move past it.
This post was originally published on April 29, 2022 by Dr. Lisa Firestone and has been updated to reflect new insights.
