During the flow Is this thing active? last night on Hulu, I found myself wishing that Alex and Tess Novak were mine therapy customers
The film, starring Will Arnett and Laura Dern and directed by Bradley Cooper (who also plays Alex’s brother), opens with a realistic but consequential resolution: the end of 20 years. marriage.
Divorce comes with a kind of emotional flatness that can be frustrating at times. Tess’s expression rarely goes beyond a frown of despair. Alex only comes alive in an unexpected new arena – stand-up comedy – where he begins to process his marriage and its demise in front of strangers, not with his wife. The operations of their life together are strangely obscure. Alex often wears a suit, Tess is a stay-at-home mom, but Alex’s professional life remains as invisible as any significant financial pressure. Their beautiful home and the relative ease with which they separate exist outside of the constraints that most couples face.
And yet, despite these gaps, the film captures an important point: Marriage is hard and stable work, even though we tend to think of it as a “happily ever after” state.
More interestingly, this story points to a quieter, less-examined truth: Some divorces may not be necessary.
Many absolutely do. But others appear when two people mischaracterize their dissatisfaction—fatigue, depressionloss personality– to the perceived shortcomings of their partner.
While watching Alex and Tess, I found myself asking questions that felt less cinematic and more clinical: Why can Alex be so present and emotionally honest on stage, but so distant at home? Why is Tess waiting for a crisis to recover from a once-important part of herself – her identity as a coach and former Olympian? Why is Alex more attracted to the image of Tess from the past than to her current self? And why does Tess notice Alex the most when he’s attracted to someone else?
Within a few scenes, I found myself thinking: I could help this couple! Just give me a few hours with them!
This impulse is part fantasypart of the professional reflex-to talk about the real thing about marriage. When couples struggle, especially during the demanding years of raising children, it’s easy to forget the difference between husband and wife. relationship anxiety and individual stagnation. The two are often intertwined, but they are not the same.
In my work, when couples struggle to recover, I sometimes share an observation that surprises people. Almost ten years later divorceindividuals who have not left marital situations marked by abuse; addictionor chronic infidelity will often reflect with a degree of clarity: if they understood how difficult divorce is—materially, emotionally, and relationally—they would try differently. Not necessarily harder in the crazy sense, but deeper. With more humility, more flexibility, and more willingness to examine your contribution to impasse.
This is not an argument against divorce. On the contrary, this argument is ripe for emotional understanding.
After the initial courtship phase is over, every intimate relationship will eventually end up in conflict. The work of staying—negotiating difference, enduring disappointment, and continuing to grow alongside the other person—is demanding. But it is also one of the main ways we grow as individuals. And when couples can find a way to balance work and parents and support each other as a team, there’s honestly nothing better.
Is this thing active? may not fully explore the inner lives of its characters, but it points to a truth that therapists witness every day: Sometimes the question is not whether the relationship is broken, but whether the people within it have stopped growing. And are the people inside ready to fix it.
If you and your spouse are struggling with separation and chronic stress, try watching this movie and discussing how it affects you. To find a therapist, Visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
