This is part 3 of a series on narcissism and romantic relationships.
In Part 1 and Part 2 From this series, we have discussed various related dynamics neurotic narcissism, which interferes with and disrupts romantic relationships. Indeed, one of the most common problems that psychotherapists see is a chronic and repetitive pattern of inappropriate relationships. And every relationship eventually ends because of this bad dynamic.
Gray day
This is very similar to what happens to Bill Murray in the memorable movie Gray day (1993). Those who have seen it will surely remember the lead role of Murray (Phil Connors). narcissistSelfish, selfish weather TV. After some time, such negative attitudes and arbitrary behavior – objectively visible to others – gradually become visible even to the patient. (In Connors’s case, due to suddenly being strangely and inexplicably forced to repeat the same routine day, the same routine details, and the same interpersonal relationships over and over again, as described in Nietzsche’s 1882 idea of ”eternal recurrence.”)
However, persistent selfish behavior continues with predictable consequences for both the narcissistic client and those involved, as is often the case with personality disorders. A person cannot help himself despite conscious efforts to do so. And the inevitable question arises: Why? Why would anyone in their right mind continue to pursue a relationship that is clearly destined to fail? What is happening here?
Deep fear of intimacy
There is no easy explanation for such persistent suicidal behavior. Part of the puzzle has to do with depth fear from proximity. If we fear the opposite (or, for that matter, the same) sexHow can we relate to them? (At the archetypal level is what psychologists call the depth of “fear of the feminine” and “fear of the masculine”.)
True intimacy makes one very vulnerable to vulnerability, rejection, abandonment, or betrayal, something that the narcissistic patient experiences painfully early in life when Kohut’s (1978) “healthy” or normal narcissistic needs are not being met in one way or another. Instead, we shield ourselves from true intimacy with strong defenses (see part 2) that keep others potentially dangerous—and anxiety they wake up – safely at arm’s length. And because it’s usually done in an unintelligible way, it becomes a compulsive and repetitive pattern that disrupts and destroys every intimate relationship we try to create. This is a great example of that Freud (1920) referred to as “repetitive forcing”. And it is directly related to the problem of pathological narcissism, but it also usually occurs on the borderline personality disorder as well as some others mental conditions.
What is Repetitive Compulsion?
A repeated compulsion by definition, is one unconscious neurotic defense mechanism. Here’s how it works. Repetition is a futile attempt to rewrite history and reality. The history we try to rewrite as adults is usually a difficult or inappropriate relationship with our primary parents or caregivers, especially parents of the opposite sex: that is, the origin of narcissistic wounds.
When a parent’s primary relationship is fraught with frustration, disappointment, rejection, abandonment, neglect, or abuse, it leaves the child in a psychologically precarious position. To survive these devastating insults, wounds or injuries, children deny, to separateor minimize the painful reality, repress their feelings angeranger depressionand despair. Instead, they hope: a childish hope, a kind of “magical thinking“that, if we can be good enough, good, perfect, polite, popular, smart, calm, sportstalented, successful, or funny as we perceive our parents or guardians to want us to be, we will eventually get them to love us the way we—and every child—want and need them. This is childhood fantasy which justifies and informs neurotic narcissism.
Unfortunately, in reality, no matter what we do (or don’t do), this will never happen, because the problem is actually the parents’ inability to fully love and accept us as we are, bad behavior, neediness, dependency and all. This misinterpretation of reality leads to the child’s overwhelming belief, called a “core schema” in CBT, that they have the power to control and correct the deficit by transforming themselves into a more acceptable person, and that there must be something terribly bad about them, something inappropriate or unworthy, an “adult unconscious.” Thus, narcissistic adults continue to be in the powerful grip of repeated compulsions (or perhaps more accurately of their wounded “inner child”) to get the love they need and deserve, only now from a symbolic position for parents. But to no avail. Because now no one can undo what was done or provide what was unfortunately not planned during it. childhood. We cannot change the past.
“Abandoned Depression”
Of course, even the best parents aren’t perfect, and so we all go through this to some extent or another. Just like our parents. It is an existential fact of life. We can count ourselves lucky to have parents or guardians who, despite their obvious flaws, were, to use Winnicott’s (1953) term, “good enough.” In fact, it is not always tragic. This makes repeated compulsions and abandonment depression even more powerful and potentially destructive. The emotional, and sometimes physical, abandonment had already happened long ago, and the child was defending it as much as possible so it wouldn’t come crashing down in a destructive way.
Critical Readings on Narcissism
Part of this primal defense mechanism is the understandable hope to avoid changing our parent’s response by becoming what we understand they want us to become. psychologist James Masterson (1990) has aptly termed ‘abandoned depression’. As long as we unconsciously cling to this childish hope, we avoid sinking into despair. A child is not psychologically and developmentally equipped to deal with such a loss, but an adult patient is more so stability and the internal and external resources available to swallow these “bitter pills” and the intense emotions that accompany them if they want to therapy.
In adulthood, this early childhood scenario is implicitly and compulsively repeated to one degree or another by most of us. Our so-called “inner child” complex is active and still tries to turn rejecting, ambivalent, emotionally unavailable, or abusive adults into loving ones, even though it failed to do so in childhood. This is the initial sign, sign and symptom of repeated complications of the patient, which sometimes occurs in the fetus. delivery relationship with the therapist.
