Psychologically, twins born as twins and as individuals who have a passion for their own identity and the fun and comfort of having someone who understands them so deeply. Side by side and intertwined, both identities develop and mature together. Once a twin, always a twin, although the nature of the twin relationship changes over time and with environmental and internal pressures that necessitate many types of significant life changes.
Unlike single children, individuality develops in the context of being a twin. And Gemini always embraces individuality, despite the intense need for closeness that twins share. In contrast, I counsel an older twin who always wants to think about what it would be like to grow up as a single person. He wonders how his decisions would have been different if he hadn’t been the one thinking about what he was doing. But I can only speculate about singleton status because I’m a twin myself and want to answer her question. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found the answer, although I really tried.
When I look in the mirror, I always see my sister looking back at me and she looks back at me. Do we look out for each other or is it a side effect of being twins? Often I tell myself, “Try not to see her,” but I can’t do it naturally. I must try to see only myself. I can’t really explain what it’s like to be alone in the mirror.
I have to admit that I’m happy to see myself in the mirror most of the time without my sister, but if I’m in a bad mood, I definitely avoid the mirror. Sometimes I can’t forget that I’m a twin, no matter how hard I try. I know in my heart that we are both very different people personality–clever and intellectual. I long to overcome the fear that I am only half of a perfect person and to resolve my need to be alone in the mirror.
Getting help to understand my issues with Twinship
Childhood as a twin was never the same stress like when I grew up and realized I was different from the kids who didn’t have a twin. I tried to fit in with the other twin students. I spent less time with my sister. We found our friends. We still cherished and looked forward to our closeness. Little by little we learned that being together all the time can be suffocating.
When I searched therapy As a young woman in my twenties, I was confused about myself personality as a friend and as a person. My sister and I eventually separated verbally/metaphorically and physically when she moved to Sweden with her artist husband to do sculpture. We wrote to each other, but there was no internet with e-mail and phone calls were very expensive. I tried not to lose him and my children and husband helped me. There was a terror that haunted me no matter what I tried. No one seemed to understand my discomfort. She wasn’t around to share an ice cream cone or listen to my fights with my husband and give me advice. I was alone and I wanted to get over this painful gap feelings from losses. Ignoring my sister’s point of view often led to confusion in decision-making.
I found out the hard way that being a twin isn’t as easy as I thought. The twin replacement provided some relief from the loss of my twin, however solitude always came back. I was frantically trying to figure out the problem I had with my twin. In graduate school, my PhD advisor told me to write about something I knew a lot about, and I wrote about being a twin. My writing (books and online) and teaching groups for separated twins have had a profound effect on me and helped me realize that psychologically, I wasn’t half of a whole person. For me, being apart from my twin was liberating and incredibly rewarding. It took many years, but I gradually learned to care. I gained insight into the struggles most twins face in relating to the non-twin world. My writing about twins has given hope to many struggling twins that they are not alone with the significant challenges of being a twin. In fact, not all twins are concordant, and many twins are separated.
Now I know that being alone in the mirror is (not) just one of the difficult aspects of being a twin. There are many wonderful and joyful aspects of twinning that can be enjoyed without feeling out of place with single people. Struggling with your twin and feeling alienated is very common and is not a sign that you are a “failure” as a twin. You can learn to communicate with your twin, can’t you fear him or herself insult. It takes time and attention to communicate, as well as help from other twins or people who work with twins.
Don’t give up your identity
My book In the mirror of solitude which has just been published in paperback, explains in detail why twins fear being alone as well as being too close to each other. I’ll share stories from my life and the twins I work with, and suggest ways you can protect yourself from being too interconnected and lonely. I hope to read Only in the mirror will help twins and the people closely involved in their lives to understand the dilemmas of twins and the struggles of twins living in a non-twin world.
Understanding Gemini is essential reading
Recommendations that work to promote the individuality and closeness of twins
1. Don’t share all your personal things, friends and ideas with your twin.
2. Make it clear to your twin which things and ideas belong only to you.
3. Spend enough time with your loved ones without your twin. I think it’s not really a lonely time; it’s double time.
4. Talk about how comparisons and questions about you and your twin affect you.
5. Find places that you and your twin don’t share.
6. Give advice to your twin, but don’t insist that your advice be followed.
7. Set aside special times to be alone with your twin and try to be available to connect during those times.
